Friday, October 17, 2014

Capture Your Grief - Days 15, 16, 17

Day 15 was Community.  And I did something different than what carleymarie suggested.  I really wanted to light my candle at 7pm.  But my husband and I took our son to Monterey for the night and at 7pm we were sitting in a restaurant.  But its okay because we were having a wonderful meal together as a family.  And at 7 o'clock, I pictured candles burning and took moment to think of the women who belong to this community with me.

Here's what I did do.  I posted this on Facebook: "In February of 2007, when I was 20 weeks pregnant, Greg and I found out that our baby would not live. I don't talk about this very often, but October 15 is a day of remembrance and awareness for pregnancy and infant loss. And it feels right to, maybe just this once, publicly remember a little life who means so very much to me."  And I posted this picture.

I was very nervous to do this.  My heart was pounding as I posted it.  But I did it.  It was a big step for me.  And it felt good.  And the likes and comment I got from my community were wonderful.

Day 16 was Retreat.  I did retreat from the internet yesterday until we got home from our little trip.  Retreat is actually something I don't need to work on regarding my grief.  I'm very good at "retreating" (also known as avoiding) from negative feelings.  Butt hat's the thing I've been forced to work on.  And I'm proud of how far I have come.  It took feeling a hurt so big it could not be avoided.

Day 17 is Explore.  I really love this topic because its something I think I have done over the years.  I love this article by carleymarie.  Love, love, love.  This is one of those article I read and feel like I could have written it (if I were a better writer).  Which isn't to say that my grief journey mirrors hers. But the way she describes the journey of grief and how it can heal you really resonates with me.

"Lay there for a while and focus your attention on gratitude. I am not asking you to be grateful for the fact that your child died, because that is absurd. But what I am saying is start thinking of all the things you are grateful for in your life in general."

I have thought something like this many times before.  That I can't say I'm GRATEFUL that my baby died because that isn't really how I feel and it feels wrong to say.  But I am definitely grateful for the things I've learned.  And I'm grateful for feeling more grateful.  I like myself more now than before.  I'm the happiest and most at peace I've ever been.  Which is funny because in many ways, life is harder and more complicated than its ever been.  But its also more wonderful than its ever been.  I don't know.

This is me in San Sebastien, Spain almost one year ago.  I choose this for my photo today because, while I may not have always approached exploring my grief with open arms, I am much more accepting of the process than I ever have been.  And this trip was so incredibly wonderful.  I went with one of oldest and dearest friends.  I'm so grateful to her and my husband and our family and friends who made this trip possible for me.  It was 10 days of excellent travel - great food, beautiful sights, amazing art.  But it means more than that to me.  I finally felt physically good enough to do a a trip like this.  And after many years of struggle, I deserved to do something like this.  And am blessed to have a husband and friends who knew that to and really encouraged and enabled me to go.

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