Today is moving day and I am feeling a little blue. Relieved, excited, only mildly stressed and blue. Actually, I'm a jumbled mess of emotions about this whole thing but I don't have much time before its time to make a pot of coffee and madly finish packing before the guys get here to load the truck so....I'll focus on one set of emotions related to leaving this house.
This is the house where I was pregnant with my baby. Not Finn. My other baby. This is the house where we felt joy and excitement over the positive pregnancy test and painted little blocks of color on the wall and talked about names and talked about names. And its also the house we came home to after receiving the worst news of our lives. Where we sat on the couch and didn't know what to do next. Couldn't believe it was happening. Didn't know how to move onto what would be the "after." This is where we cried and cried and cried. Where friends brought us food and flowers and our beautiful tree. This is where we fell to the depths and struggled to get out. This is where I changed.
We don't have much. No pictures, no grave. We have our tree (which is coming with us) and the memories, most of which were in this house. And I feel sad to leave. I know I have her in in my heart. And the memories are painfully burned in my memory. And maybe it sounds weird, but I feel like this was her house too. She is everywhere here. And I feel like I'm losing a little of her by leaving this place.