tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69738233391388324252024-02-06T18:31:41.819-08:00The Years are Getting Shorterleahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-35909696778299998642014-10-17T10:21:00.002-07:002014-10-17T10:21:29.627-07:00Capture Your Grief - Days 15, 16, 17Day 15 was Community. And I did something different than what carleymarie suggested. I really wanted to light my candle at 7pm. But my husband and I took our son to Monterey for the night and at 7pm we were sitting in a restaurant. But its okay because we were having a wonderful meal together as a family. And at 7 o'clock, I pictured candles burning and took moment to think of the women who belong to this community with me.<br />
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Here's what I did do. I posted this on Facebook: "<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">In February of 2007, when I was 20 weeks pregnant, Greg and I found out that our baby would not live. I don't talk about this very often, but October 15 is a day of remembrance and awareness for pregnancy and infant loss. And it feels right to, maybe just this once, publicly remember a little life who means so very much to me." And I posted this picture.</span><br />
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I was very nervous to do this. My heart was pounding as I posted it. But I did it. It was a big step for me. And it felt good. And the likes and comment I got from my community were wonderful.<br />
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Day 16 was Retreat. I did retreat from the internet yesterday until we got home from our little trip. Retreat is actually something I don't need to work on regarding my grief. I'm very good at "retreating" (also known as avoiding) from negative feelings. Butt hat's the thing I've been forced to work on. And I'm proud of how far I have come. It took feeling a hurt so big it could not be avoided. <br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Day 17 is Explore. I really love this topic because its something I think I have done over the years. I love this <a href="http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/09/investigating-grief/">article</a> by carleymarie. Love, love, love. This is one of those article I read and feel like I could have written it (if I were a better writer). Which isn't to say that my grief journey mirrors hers. But the way she describes the journey of grief and how it can heal you really resonates with me.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 26px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Lay there for a while and focus your attention on gratitude. I am not asking you to be grateful for the fact that your child died, because that is absurd. But what I am saying is start thinking of all the things you are grateful for in your life in general."</span></span><br />
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I have thought something like this many times before. That I can't say I'm GRATEFUL that my baby died because that isn't really how I feel and it feels wrong to say. But I am definitely grateful for the things I've learned. And I'm grateful for feeling more grateful. I like myself more now than before. I'm the happiest and most at peace I've ever been. Which is funny because in many ways, life is harder and more complicated than its ever been. But its also more wonderful than its ever been. I don't know. <br />
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This is me in San Sebastien, Spain almost one year ago. I choose this for my photo today because, while I may not have always approached exploring my grief with open arms, I am much more accepting of the process than I ever have been. And this trip was so incredibly wonderful. I went with one of oldest and dearest friends. I'm so grateful to her and my husband and our family and friends who made this trip possible for me. It was 10 days of excellent travel - great food, beautiful sights, amazing art. But it means more than that to me. I finally felt physically good enough to do a a trip like this. And after many years of struggle, I deserved to do something like this. And am blessed to have a husband and friends who knew that to and really encouraged and enabled me to go.</div>
<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-85505059380718239812014-10-15T09:02:00.004-07:002014-10-15T09:02:53.655-07:00Capture Your Grief - Day 14Yesterday's prompt was "Dark/Light." The two sides of grief. I feel like a wrote a <a href="http://theyearsaregettingshorter.blogspot.com/2013/03/consciousness-and-light.html">post</a> that fits this prompt perfectly. And for the life of me, I cannot think of a photo to post. I would post a newborn picture of my son because he is what brought me back into the light. He brought the color back to my world and filled the hole in my heart. But the reality is, its more complicated than that.<br />
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Okay so I had to walk away from writing this post because its a school morning and I needed to get the kid ready to go out the door. But my husband is off today so he's driving him. They drove away and less than a minute later I hear my phone ring. Its my husband's phone but I hear a cute little voice say "Hellooooo!" Finn called to tell me there was a rainbow outside. He knew I would want to see it so he called to tell me.<br />
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Beautiful. And perfect for today (actually yesterday....). The little boy who brought the color back into my life called to tell me there was a beautiful rainbow that I needed to see. Oh how I love that child. And I wish I was a better writer so I could do this metaphor justice but I'll do my best: At the end of the storm of grief, there will be light again. And sometimes a beautiful rainbow. And storms will come again, its inevitable. But so is the light. leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-39332957404430546812014-10-13T10:24:00.002-07:002014-10-13T10:24:30.847-07:00Capture Your Grief - Catching Up!!Well, I've fallen behind again. If I was just doing this on Instagram or Facebook, I feel like I would do a better job of just posting daily. Instead, I'm trying to pick the "perfect" photo, write something every day...and life just gets busy. Why am In to posting it to social media? I'm not sure. I've kept my grief journey largely private. And sometimes social media doesn't feel like the place for me to talk about it. And I don;t say that as judgement on anyone else who uses it. I appreciate seeing posts from people about it. I love this project that Carley Marie is doing and I love looking at other people's posts. It's just hard for me to do it.<br />
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Day 11 - Altar<br />
I don't have an altar honoring my baby. I have my tree and I have a blue stone heart next to my bed. And that feels like enough for me.<br />
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Day 12 - Music<br />
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Day 13 - Season<br />
The season I associate with my baby is the end of winter/beginning of spring. That is when we lost her - March 7. Here in California, the beginning of March can feel like spring. Its when my tree sprouts. Its when some flowers start blooming. There can be days of cold and rain and a gorgeous, warm, sunny day the next. Even now, seven years later, March 7 is a sad day for me. I feel a little more tired, a little quiet. <br />
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This was our gorgeous jasmine plant at our old house - the house we lived in when we lost the baby. When it bloomed you could smell it a half a block away. I took this picture at the beginning of April in 2009. We were doing our third round of IUI with injectables and I was feeling tired, discouraged, angry. But not his day, the sun was shining, the jasmine was blooming and I felt happy for a moment and hopeful. And that was the month we got pregnant with Finn.</div>
<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-29536471215213014222014-10-10T19:34:00.002-07:002014-10-10T19:35:07.502-07:00Capture Your Grief - Days 9 and 10Yesterday's prompt was "In Memory." I already used a picture of the mosaic I made so I today I will post a picture of my beautiful Japanese Maple. Our dear friends, Jon and Joanna organized buying this for us after we lost the baby. They and a few other of our best couple friends pitched in and gave us this beautiful tree. Its one of my most precious possessions. We don't have a grave or photos but we have this tree. And every year its first leaves sprout right around March 7. Its perfect.<br />
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This was on March 7, 2012. The "Plant Hope" was a gift from another dear friend maybe a year or two after we lost the baby and were really struggling getting pregnant again.</div>
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I'm not sure that our tree actually matches the prompt so I will also post a picture of Greg and I after we did the March of Dimes walk. After we got the diagnosis, I spent countless hours on the internet learning about our baby's condition. One of the websites I ended up on was the March of Dimes. I saw that they were having a fundraising walk at the end of April. It felt like an important thing to do. We raised almost $2000. A really good family friend walked with us and our parents were waiting for us at the finish. I honestly don't remember much about the day but I remember feeling good about doing it.</div>
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Today's prompt is "Support." If I knew how to make a collage I would make one filled with all the wonderful people in my life who gave me support. People who loved me and held me when I cried, brought us food and flowers, sent cards, took care of my classroom and allowed me to miss 2 weeks of school without a worry, remembered the first anniversary, didn't say dumb things....I could go on and on. Instead of more photos or a collage I don't know how to make , I'll do this: Greg, Mom, Dad, Shirl, Stacy, Anjee, Joanna and Jon, Brad and Boo Boo, Maureen and Jack, Patti, Aunt Linda, Lisa, Kathy, Kathie, Heidi, Carolyn, Kathy, Faith, BK, Julie, June, Jennifer, Jay....and I know there are more. I am so blessed to have lots of support in my life. And going through losing the baby and then infertility made me appreciate the good people in my life like I never had before. I'd like to think it made ME a better friend. I learned how to be a better friend from so many people. And, in a few cases, I also learned what NOT to do.</div>
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leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-13673504636641140612014-10-08T20:00:00.000-07:002014-10-08T20:00:08.586-07:00Capture Your Grief - Day 8Today's prompt is "Resources." I'll start with this picture:<br />
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This was our wedding day. Nine years ago today. And since my husband was one of my greatest "resources" after our baby died, it seems like the perfect photo for today. At that time, we did not know anyone who had gone through what we were going through. Our parents were very supportive. We have a large circle of very close friends who were also there for us and I appreciate my family and friends so much. I will never forget the people who sent us food and flowers, the ones who said the right thing, the ones who remembered the first anniversary. But we still felt isolated and lonely. Maybe that's an inevitable part of grieving, I don't know. But Greg was going through it with me. Which isn't to say we have had the same grief journey. But it happened to both of us and we went through a lot of the grieving together. When we went to kid parties he understood how hard it was. When someone made a (unintentionally) dumb remark, he felt a knife in his heart too. He was my greatest comfort and support in those initial months. I really think it brought us closer. <br />
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The only other resources I found were online. I found <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/">Mel's list of bloggers</a> and it opened me up to the world of blogging. I found women who had lost babies. A few who had babies with anencephaly. And had trouble getting pregnant. People like me. It made me feel so much less alone. The first night I found the list I think I read for three hours straight. Thank God I found that list.<br />
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<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-42602373683358487812014-10-06T20:14:00.001-07:002014-10-06T20:14:20.702-07:00Capture Your Grief - Day 7First I was three days behind now I'm getting ahead.....tomorrow is going to be busy and I already have my photos picked out so I'm doing it tonight!<br />
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Today's prompt is "Sacred Place." One of the difficult things for me about pregnancy loss is the lack of traditions or ceremony or special places. There is no grave. There was no funeral. There are no pictures (except for two ultrasound pictures and a few of me pregnant which I can still hardly bear to look at). I think those are all important parts of grieving a loss. <br />
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For a while, I did not have a sacred place. And technically, I still don't. But the beach or near the ocean has become a special place for me. A place where I can breathe deeply and find some quiet and clear my head. There is something about the coach - the crashing the waves, the salt air, the bigness of the sky and the ocean. Its like you can't get away from yourself or your thoughts there (and I mean t hat in a good way) - there is nothing else but you and water and sand. And almost every time I am at the beach or near the ocean I think of our baby.<br />
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And what's funny is that I used to dislike the beach. I hated the wind, the sand, the cold water. Looking at the water or sitting and doing nothing bored me. I did not appreciate the beauty or the bigness. And I can't pinpoint the exact time when that changed, but I know it was after we lost the baby. <br />
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This was in Hawaii on one of our sunrise walks. Those morning walks were some of the most precious time from that trip. It was just Greg and I. And when he would go off and take pictures, I would walk ahead on my own and we would be alone together. It was so beautiful and peaceful. And I felt my baby there.<br />
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This is down by the bay where I go walking at least once a week - sometimes with Finn, sometimes with one of my good friends, sometimes alone. This is a place where my head clears and I feel calm. Its not the same as a beautiful beach in Hawaii but the water is blue and the sky is big. These are my places.leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-41488846500214296342014-10-06T11:17:00.001-07:002014-10-06T11:17:54.639-07:00Capture Your Grief - Days 3, 4, 5 and 6Sooooo I got a little behind.....<br />
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Day 3 - Before<br />
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This was October 8, 2005. Our wedding day. I remember looking at our wedding pictures maybe a year after we lost the baby. And I looked at our faces and our smiles and saw us laughing and joking and having a truly wonderful time. And I remember thinking "we look so innocent, so young, so happy, so unaware of what's coming." I was definitely different before. Losing my baby and the difficult journey to becoming a mother to Finn changed me in so many ways. Mostly for the better I think. I think (I hope) I have more empathy and less judgement, more appreciation and less complaints, more love and commitment and less fear. <br />
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Day 4 - Now<br />
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I'm very content with who I am now and the wonderful life I lead. And by "wonderful" I don't mean perfect. There are highs and lows. But I think I'm better at feeling my feelings. Before, I think I tried very hard to avoid negative feelings. I lived in fear of being hurt and so I made lots of choices based on that - trying to avoid getting hurt. Losing the baby was a hurt too big to avoid. In a way, I'm grateful for that. I think I live a more honest life now. And swimming in the depths after we lost the baby has really helped me appreciate the good times. I'm grateful for even just a good moment. And I think I'm more aware, more focused on healing and growing. I often wonder if that would be the case if we hadn't finally gotten pregnant and safely given birth to Finn. Because truthfully, he brought me out of the dark. Having him in my life is when I finally started to really feel better and experience joy again. </div>
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Day 5 - Journal</div>
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No picture for this. I'm allowing myself to slack on pictures for days 5 & 6). I have always WANTED to write more than I actually wrote. After we lost the baby I did journal a little. I had to. I had to get some of what I was feeling out of me. That's when I started reading blogs and discovered that there were lots of women out there like me. It was immensely comforting. I don't write much anymore. I feel pretty good so I don't need it and life can be pretty busy.</div>
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Day 6 - Books</div>
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I read a lot of books after we lost the baby. I'm a book person. When I have a "problem," I read about it. So after the baby died, I read grief books, when we had trouble getting pregnant, I read infertility books, and now I read parenting books. The book that really stands out for me is Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking." I had never in my life felt the way I did after we lost the baby. I was lost. And I felt very alone. That book helped me understand that grief is a process and that there are not just mental effects, but physical ones. I remember feeling like my brain was broken. I had trouble finishing my sentences, couldn't come up with the word I wanted to say. I forgot things. And I never used to be like that - I had always been very quick and able to do 37 things at once, I remembered everything. That book made me feel like I wasn't crazy, that what I was experiencing was normal.</div>
<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-40606285107541996682014-10-02T19:56:00.003-07:002014-10-02T19:56:17.193-07:00Capture Your Grief - Day 2Today's subject is "Heart." Who do I carry in my heart? I carry my baby in my heart. A little life that only lasted 20 weeks inside of me. My husband and I did not name her. But we had a girl's name picked out. And I know she would have been named Naomi. Here's my picture for today:<br />
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I made this after we lost the baby. I had this image burned in my mind from the ultrasound of her little hand waving at us. I remember seeing that little hand wave and it was a few moments of pure joy and amazement before everything went all wrong. And I continued to picture that little hand over and over for weeks after. And then I made this.</div>
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And through Carly Marie's project I learned of the e.e. cummings poem "I Carry Your Heart." And now I will think of these words every time I look at my mosaic:</div>
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i carry your heart with me</div>
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i carry it in my heart</div>
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i am never with out it</div>
leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-1723686030408208752014-10-01T11:39:00.001-07:002014-10-01T11:39:16.629-07:00Capture Your Grief - Day 1So I've decided to participate in some way in <a href="http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2014/09/capture-your-grief-2014.html">Carly Marie's</a> #captureyourgrief project for the month of October. Here's a description of the event from her website: "<span style="background-color: white; color: #434044; font-family: Montaga, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">Capture Your Grief is a beautifully poignant act of remembrance and awareness. There are 31 subjects, one for each day in the month of October. You are invited to share a photo that captures your journey with each daily subject that inspires your heart. You are welcome to take new photos or use ones from the past. Capture Your Grief is about exploring your grief and discovering more about your thoughts to aid in your journey of healing and personal growth." </span><br />
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I think this is a wonderful idea. I've been feeling like I wanted to do SOMETHING this year. Not sure what or how. Its been seven years since I lost my baby. Seven was an important number for me in losing her. So this year, the milestones somehow felt different. More significant. Its also been long enough now where I feel like I can process what happened. It's easier to talk about. I'm in a pretty good place. Wonderful place actually. But the grief is still there. Its not the "all-encompassing, weighing me down every day" grief of the first year. But the experience and the grief are just a part of who I am and will always be present in some form.<br />
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Anyway, I don't have much time so here is my picture for today<br />
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This is not from this morning. I did not get to take a picture of the sunrise this morning. And the story of my morning pretty much sums up where I am in life right now: Finn woke up at 3:30 this morning, turned on his light and started reading and talking to himself. We've been having sleep issue for months now - waking up VERY early, nightmare, night terrors. I went in to his room and told him it was still the middle of the night and he needed to go back to sleep. But I was now WIDE AWAKE. Long story short, he never went back to sleep and I only got about 45 minutes before our wake up time at 6:45. I am exhausted. And its pretty likely that he will have a rough afternoon. But on this Day 1 of the Capture Your Grief project, I can easily feel grateful for this long night and possibly tough day. Its so much better than the alternative. The pain and sadness that I felt from the day we got the diagnosis about our first baby until the moment that Finn was put in my arms (well, next to my face, but that's another story) was hard. Last night and today? Lack of sleep and a cranky four year old? Not hard in the scheme of things. So that's where I am. I'm the mother of a bright, funny, curious, challenging, loving four and a half year old. <br />
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The picture I chose is of my husband and I on a sunrise walk in Hawaii. It was a wonderful trip with Finn and Greg's mom and that was a beautiful morning the two of us were able to share. I thought about our baby on that walk while Greg took pictures of whales and the gorgeous sunrise. There is something about the beach and the ocean - I always think of her when I'm there.<br />
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And even though it was about 20 minutes after the sunrise, I took a moment this morning to think about our baby and try to feel connected to people around the world who have lost babies and to send love and support to those who are still deep in the grief journey.leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-19696882747161127002013-09-30T10:41:00.000-07:002013-09-30T10:41:57.539-07:00The Wilson's Make Boys"The Wilson's make boys." How many times have I heard this statement? My husband is one of three boys. My brother and sister in law have two boys. Our son is a boy. <br />
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My other brother in law and his girlfriend are pregnant and they find out the sex of the baby tomorrow. Both of them posted a "what do you think we're having?" type status on Facebook today. And of course one of the comments was "well, the Wilson's make boys so...."<br />
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Actually, one Wilson made a girl once. She didn't make it. But she was made and she was very important to me. And every single time someone talks about how the Wilson's only make boys it hurts. I know no one is trying to hurt me, but it hurts nonetheless.<br />
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And I feel like when I don't say anything, when I don't stand up for her and say "There WAS a girl, a Wilson made a girl, I MADE A GIRL," I am somehow letting her down. Or dishonoring her little life. Allowing people to ignore her existence. <br />
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Hurt. Guilt. Sadness. It doesn't come as often. But it still comes.<br />
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I'm going to go take a shower and MY two Wilson boys will come home from the park and the hurt and sadness will fade for now.leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-17076939545638405652013-09-27T16:30:00.002-07:002013-09-27T16:30:28.383-07:00We're LIVEFriday, September 27th. We're "live." Our birthparent letters are at the agency, waiting to be handed out. Our online profile is up and running, ready to be looked at. Pretty huge. Exciting and scary stuff.<br />
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So now we hurry up and wait. Wait for someone to call. Wait for someone to look at our letter and see something or read something that makes them want to learn more about us, to talk to us. Wait for someone to click on our profile and look at our pictures and read the descriptions we so carefully wrote. Wait for someone to decide that we would be the right parents for their baby. Wow.<br />
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Needless to say, our 800 number hasn't shown up on my phone today. But wouldn't that have made an incredible story?<br />
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I would write more but my little man is coming in to kiss me for the hundredth time today (he is in a very lovey phase - pretty awesome). He will help to make this wait for this child much easier than the last wait, that's for sure.leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-25928580068837120172013-05-08T21:38:00.002-07:002013-05-08T21:40:30.090-07:00Barren Bitches Book Brigade Post <br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I participated in Mel's Barren Bitches Book Brigade this month. We read "The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption" by Lori Holden (<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Open-Hearted-Way-Open-Adoption-Helping/dp/1442217383/" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/Open-Hearted-Way-Open-Adoption-Helping/dp/1442217383</a>).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My husband and I have been in the process of deciding if we should adopt a child for a lonnnnnng time and I had gotten to the "let's shit or get off the pot" point. I know this is a big decision - HUGE - not one to be taken lightly or decided on a whim. But I mean, we'd done the research, listed the pros and cons, thought long and hard, found an agency we loved, slept on it, etc, etc. And I recently told him that I just needed to KNOW. We needed to actually make a decision. I felt like I could deal with the outcome either way, I just needed to KNOW so I could move on with my life. And then I saw the book club selection and thought "this is a sign." Not necessarily a sign that we should or should not adopt, but that we should DECIDE and move forward. So I signed right up, ordered me a copy from Amazon and read it all in one sitting the day it arrived. That's how I roll.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What did we decide? Shall I keep you in suspense? Or should I tell you that one week and one day from now we will be attending our agency's workshop to sign a contract, work on our birthparent letter and get started on the home study? WOO HOO! I'm so excited. And scared. And so many other things. But that's for a later post (many later posts I'm sure...)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are my responses to the questions:</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lori refers to the relationship between adoptive parents and birthparents as similar to an in-law relationship. Does thinking about the relationship as an in-law relationship influence how you approach open adoption?</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It did influence me. To be honest, the part of open adoption that makes me the most uneasy is the relationship with the birthparents. It's the unknown. The fear of lack of control. The wondering what it will actually be like, what it will look like, how it will feel.....But thinking of the birth parents as similar to in-laws makes sense to me and makes it feel less scary. It makes me feel like, I can possibly relate to this new relationship in some way. That I have some experience to pull from, that it's not completely new or unknown. I happen to like my in-laws and don't find them scary at all, but the analogy works regardless ; ) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I know finding my parents' receipts related to my adoption stung when I found them. And I lashed out hard. And I was old enough to not be so reactive (this was just a few years ago) but was despite myself. Like adoption, any type of assisted reproduction has money changing hands and sometimes several. How have you, or will you talk about this with your child/ren</i>?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hadn't thought about this one from that perspective. The money ultimately doesn't matter to me. Our son was conceived through fertility treatments which cost a lot of money. Adopting our second child will cost lots of money too. And of course, I wish we didn't HAVE to spend so much money to have kids. I'd rather go spend it on a fabulous vacation or save it to buy a house....but at the end of the day, its worth it to me. I'm not sure how I would talk about it with my children. I don't think its something I would bring up. But if they asked questions I would tell them what they wanted to know. I'm not ashamed that I had to spend money to have children. That's just the hand we were dealt.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>The term “Real Mother” or “Real Parents” comes up quite frequently in an adoptee’s life. Lori suggests in her book that we see each set of parents (birth and adoptive) as “Real”. Do you agree? How would you personally handle this terminology? And are there other ways to effectively deal with this term if used by your child or directed at your child by another</i>?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I agree with her. Birth parents are REAL. Adopted parents are REAL. We are all real live humans. I like the way Lori talked about dealing with it saying "we are both real - let me pinch you (although I'd want to say punch you) to show I'm not fake." Again, I'm not totally sure what I'd say, but I think going through pregnancy loss and infertility has given me some experience with well-meaning, but awkward questions and comments. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought the book was WONDERFUL. I'm sure I will be referring to it many times over the next weeks, months, and years. Lori's approach makes sense to me - what's best for the child is the most important thing. I am already a mother to my son so I know to my core what it means to put your child first. I can do that. There are definitely pros and cons to open adoption. There are things that I am apprehensive about. But if open adoption is what's best for my child, and I believe that it is, than that is what I will do. "Open adoption is a process, not a process in time." I think Lori's book is a great resource for navigating the process. Just looking back and rereading some of what I highlighted helps me breathe and focus as I answer these questions and think about the difficult or uncomfortable times that may lie ahead on our journey. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I feel like I could have written long, rambling page-long answers to each question but I've been busy making some big decisions this week! And I have forms to fill out! And episodes of The Voice on my Tivo!</span></div>
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<a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2013/05/read-along-open-hearted-way-to-open-adoption/" style="font-family: Helvetica;" target="_blank">Please return to the main post</a><span style="font-family: Helvetica;"> to read more opinions on Lori Holden's </span><i style="font-family: Helvetica;">The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption</i><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">. </span></div>
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leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-37084741571719973562013-03-18T21:25:00.003-07:002013-03-18T21:25:42.489-07:00Consciousness and Light<div>
Let me start off by saying that I am not a good enough writer (evidenced by the use of the phrase "good enough writer") to properly express what I want to in this post. But I'll give it a shot....<br />
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I was catching up on reading blogs the other day and read this quote in <a href="http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2013/01/clawing-your-way-through-irreversible.html">this post</a>: </div>
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"There is no coming to consciousness without pain." Carl Jung</div>
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And I thought <i>YES. </i><br />
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For a couple of years now, I have struggled with how to describe how losing the baby changed me. How, even though its the worst thing that ever happened to me, I appreciate how it changed me. I like myself better. I feel different. Until I read this quote, I would describe it (to myself) as I feel more "awake." Awake to the highs and lows. Awake to the blessings in my life - my husband, my family and friends, the roof over my head, the pedicure I get once a month.....I felt such a deep, awful sadness for a long time after we lost the baby. Just NOT GOOD for years. But feeling that low has made me so much more aware of the highs. So much more thankful for the good.<br />
<br />
The whole quote is actually this:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Now, I'm not sure if I completely understand the whole thing. The first sentence is what really rings true for me. But I think the rest of the quote is saying that people will do anything to avoid feeling pain and facing the darkness. For many years, that's what I did.<br />
<br />
Losing the baby and struggling to get pregnant are definitely the hardest things I have ever had to face. But they are not the only tough events in my life. I'll describe two other "life-altering" events: When I was a freshman in college, my suitemate fell off the tenth floor balcony of our dorm and died. I saw her dead body. I was drinking with her 5 minutes before she fell. It was awful. How did I deal with it? I drank A LOT. I made partying my de facto major. It was so much easier to have fun and drink and be a wiseass. I got married to my college boyfriend when I was 25. While he was a perfectly nice guy and on paper, seemed like the perfect husband for me, it was a mistake. To make a long story short, less than a year after our wedding, I left him. Going through the divorce - hurting him that way, disappointing my parents and some of my closest friends, turning my life upside down - was incredibly difficult. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do for me. How did I deal with it? I drank A LOT. <br />
<br />
Now, I did learn things from both experiences. Saying I drank A LOT is probably an over-simplification of how I dealt with both events. I didn't drink ALL the time. But I made sure I didn't really feel the pain. I kept myself busy with school and work and partying and going out and taking naps.<br />
<br />
When I lost the baby, I had a few moments of thinking "I could just become an alcoholic. I could drink all the time. I could move away and start a new life..." Obviously, I did not do any of these things. I plugged along. I felt pretty blue for a very long time. But I kept living. And I learned a lot about myself. And my husband. And my friends. And through that grieving process (and there was more pain to come) I think I became more "conscious." More appreciative of the good days or even just good moments. More conscious of the good people in my life and more appreciative of how blessed I am to have a husband and family and friends who love and support me. And I think (hope) I've learned to be more empathetic to other people and their pain.<br />
<br />
Moving on to my second "aha".....<br />
<br />
Friday I saw a production of the show "Next to Normal." I have NEVER cried so much during a musical. Or a play or a movie......I mean, there have been some episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Parenthood that got me good. But I watch those at home by myself when its a tad less embarrassing to be sobbing and sniffling. There was one moment in the show where I was literally biting my finger to keep myself from completely falling to pieces. I don't know if it was the glass of wine I had with dinner (and the glass of champagne before the show started) or the fact that I am still feeling vulnerable and not quite physically recovered from my hysterectomy. But man, that show got me in a very deep place.<br />
<br />
"Next to Normal" is the story of a woman's struggle with bipolar disorder and the effect that her illness has on her family. I knew the basic premise going in. I'm on the board of my community theatre and I helped picked the show. I also knew that one of the characters in the show is her son and at some point the audience figures out that he is actually dead and that his presence in the story is in her mind. So I was prepared with my little packet of tissue. I expected to cry and I expected it to be heavy. <br />
<br />
I did NOT know that her son died when he was a baby. And I did not expect to identify so much with her story and her feelings and her pain. <br />
<br />
For some reason I went into the show thinking that her son died when he was a teenager. And I feel like that would not have upset me as much. Because I have never lost a teenage son. I've never been a mother to a teenage son. It seems like something I can empathize with with and feel truly sad about but not really KNOW. I have never lost a real live, held in my arms and loved for 8 months baby either. But I <u>have</u> lost a 5 month fetus, who sure as fuck felt like a real baby to me. And I have had a miscarriage. And I had lots and lots of trouble getting pregnant. And I <u>am</u> the mother to a beautiful three year old son who was a baby not that long ago. Most of the terrible pain and great joy of my life is about "babies." The loss she experiences feels closer to mine. Feels more like something I actually KNOW or could know.<br />
<br />
Again, her story is not mine. I don't have bipolar disorder. I never acted "crazy." I never tried to burn down the house. But I can relate to her loss and struggle and pain. And I think I realized a couple of years ago that I was, in fact, depressed after I lost the baby. No one ever said that to me at the time. I never went to a therapist. I never felt like I needed medication. I never felt like killing myself. I only had fleeting thoughts of becoming an alcoholic or running away. Mostly, life went on in the same way it did before our loss - I went to work, we saw friends, we took vacations. But at the same time, <u>everything</u> had changed. And I was very, very sad. And I was different. And even after I felt "better," life was just, grey.<br />
<br />
I feel like I'm starting to wander here.<br />
<br />
At the end of the show, there is a beautiful song (which they sang <u>perfectly</u>) called "Light."<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Day after day,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
We'll find the will to find our way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Knowing that the darkest skies will someday see the sun.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
When our long night is done, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">There will be light.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">And I thought <i>YES</i>. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">There will be light. Life is inevitably filled with darkness and hard times. But we keep plugging along. And someday, there will be light.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">For me, Finn was the light. I've thought and said it numerous times - he brought the color back to my world. From February 27, 2007 (the day we found out that our baby had anencephaly) to the day that Finn was born almost three years later, life was dark. Some days were terribly dark - no light to be found. And others were darkISH - cloudy, foggy, grey. But then he came into our lives. And there was light again.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
If I were a better write, I would have some fabulous way to tie this all together at the end here, but I'm not, so I don't.....</div>
</div>
leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-18650592815046127582013-01-27T10:57:00.000-08:002013-01-27T11:03:33.954-08:002012 Recap<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Okay so this is the recap I did last year that I stole from <a href="http://www.sundrymourning.com/2011/12/29/yearly-recap-2011/">another blog</a>. I realize its almost the end of January.....but it's taken me five tries over the course of the past month to get this post written. I'm just glad I finished it!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Ate raw lamb - at Morimoto's in Napa. It was fekkin DELICIOUS.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Had a girl's weekend away - with some of my absolute BEST friends. Best weekend I've had in years, if not ever.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Went to preschool - well it's one day a week, I go with him program. But he gets to play with other kids and I get to hang out with some cool moms.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">*After reading this back, I decided that I am STILL a boring person and I need to do more exciting new things in 2013.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Here's my resolutions from last year:</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">1. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Blog/journal more. </span>Ummmm, no. And its on my list AGAIN for this year. You've heard of "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?" Well, one of these years I am actually going to write more. Or I'll stop making it my resolution.<br /><br />2. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Spend more quality time with my husband.</span> Ummmm, no. Its on my list again this year too. But I ask you, what parents of young children get to spend LOTS of quality time together? Please don't say most or I will feel worse about myself. I feel like this is a stage of life we just have to get through. We also have to be better at making time for US, but I think that will get easier as Finn gets older.<br /><br />3. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Come to a decision about adopting a baby.</span> Ummm, no.<br /><br />4. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Live in the moment. Be present. </span>Yes!!!! I was MUCH better at this.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">So basically I sucked at my new year's resolutions. Good job Leah. Will I make new one's for 2013? I don't think so. Instead, I think I will make a list of small, specific things I'd like to do or accomplish this year. I love making lists and I love crossing things off my list. So if I make a (short) list of things I'd like to accomplish this year, it seems more likely that I will actually DO them.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">3. Did anyone close to you give birth? </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Nope.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">4. Did anyone close to you die?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Yes. Max and Betsy. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Max was my cat of almost 20 years. I got him when I was a sophomore in college. He was my right hand man for a very long time. After he was gone, I sat and thought about that great little kitty and how long he was in my life. He was with me in college. He was with me when I moved to Monterey and got married for the first time. He was with me when I got divorced and was back on my own again. He was with me when I moved in with G$, when we got married, when we lost the baby, when we had Finn. He was a good ol' kitty. And crazy as can be (quirky from the start, but legitimately crazy at the end). I will think of him every time I open a can of tuna, still partly expecting him to come running from wherever he was in the world, to meow and rub against my legs waiting for me to let him lick the can.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Betsy was my best friend's mom. She was one of my "other moms." I have 3 other moms. The moms of my oldest and closest friends. Ladies who watched me grow up - who HELPED me grow up. Cooked me dinner, took me on vacation, were present at all the major milestones - birthdays, proms, graduations, weddings, baby showers. She was a huge part of my life. And one great lady. I sort of still can't believe that she's gone. And the pain my friend is going through? Brutal. I just can't imagine losing my mom. I'm not ready for that. T</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">wo other close friends lost their moms last year too. I guess it's just the stage of life we are in. Our parents are getting OLD. Wow.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">5. What countries did you visit?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">None!!! We didn't travel much at all actually. We went camping twice. And I think that's it. Yikes. But we recently booked a trip to Hawaii. I haven't been since college and G$'s never been. I cannot wait! The thought of warm weather, beautiful beaches, fresh fish, pina coladas (okay, I don't like pina coladas, but it sounds so tropical) and time to relax sounds SO GOOD.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">A night away with my husband. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">October 7 - the day Betsy died. December 19 - my hysterectomy</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">The short sale</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">9. What was your biggest failure?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">10. Did you suffer illness or injury?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Well, "illness or injury" isn't quite accurate. But I have continued to deal with chronic pain since my c-section. Long story short, I had severe scarring - inside my uterus and out. My hysterectomy was the first time a doctor has actually been in there and able to see what was really going on. Turns out my uterus was stuck to my bladder and my abdominal wall. Like seriously stuck. Which caused all sorts of problems. So they took out my uterus and cut down the adhesions. And hopefully I will live pain-freely ever after. The jury is still out by the way. Its been almost 6 weeks since my surgery. Can't tell yet if I'm cured....</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">11. What was the best thing you bought?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">I signed up for a organic produce box delivery and I love it. The stuff tastes GREAT and it forces me to try new things. Santa brought Finn a trampoline and that will help me survive the winter. I bought some really cool boots. Which I haven't even worn yet....</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">12. Where did most of your money go?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">For two years in a row.....the mortgage. But this year its the mortgage/rent since we are no longer home owners. We also spent quite a bit on medical bills.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">13. What did you get really excited about?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">The short sale. The girls weekend for my friend's 40th birthday. My hysterectomy. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">14. What song will always remind you of 2011?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">God, the first thing that comes to mind is Gangnam Style. Finn friggin LOVES that song. He'll say, "Put Hey Sexy Lady on!" And he'll dance and dance and run around the house. Home by Phillip Phillips is another. I mean, it's totally overplayed and really bother me that the guy's last name is the plural of his first name, but I just love that song. It reminds of the Olympics (I love the Olympics!!!) and it reminds me of Greg. Even if we have just gotten into an argument or he's driving me crazy in some way, if that song comes on, I think of him and smile and remember how much i love him. He is my home.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">15. Compared to this time last year, are you: </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">– happier or sadder? Hmmm, probably about the same.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">– thinner or fatter? the same, but with more muscles. And I hate to be vain, but I love it! I've never really had defined muscles and now my arms are pretty awesome. Well, not right NOW, I haven't been able to do Zumba for two months, but they WERE looking good and they will again.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">– richer or poorer? We have about the the same amount of money in our bank accounts but I'll say we're richer because we no longer own a house that is worth $200,000 less than the mortgage. Having that weight off our shoulders feels good.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">16. What do you wish you’d done more of? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">More writing, more dates with G$, read more books. Pretty much the same list as last year. I'm starting to get depressed. I've got to moving on these things.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">17. What do you wish you’d done less of? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Watched less TV, worried less about crazy stuff</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">18. How did you spend Christmas?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Laying down and popping pills. My surgery was on the 19th so I was still feeling pretty shitty on Christmas. But it was still wonderful. I love the holidays! My brother and sister-in-law-to-be made a FABulous dinner on Christmas Eve at our house. And now we have a big enough dining room for everyone to sit comfortably! Finn totally understood Santa this year and we left him cookies and milk (and carrots for the reindeer of course). And seeing his little face in the morning whne he saw that Santa left him what he asked for under the tree brought a tear to my eye. It was precious. And Christmas morning at Greg's mom's house was my favorite yet. So even though (or maybe because...) I was drugged up and laid out, it was wonderful.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">19. What was your favorite TV program?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Pretty much the same ones as last year - The Amazing Race, Project Runway, Grey's Anatomy, Top Chef, Modern Family. Two new shows I love? Parenthood and The New Normal.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">20. What were your favorite books of the year?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Fifty Shades of Grey. Just kidding, I'm the one woman in America who hasn't even read it. And doesn't want to. I already feel insecure enough about my sex life thank you very much. I just finished Middlesex. I didn't LOVE it, but I thought it was so smart and interesting. I can't remember anything else I read. I didn't read enough that's for sure.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">21. What was your favorite music from this year? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Nothing new. Although I really loved listening to this kids Christmas CD with Finn. We would dance after dinner every night and he would sing along and it was so adorable. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">22. What were your favorite films of the year?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">I think the only movie I saw last year was "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo." I LOVED the books. And I thought the movie was very good. Mara Roony (or is it Roony Mara?) is the perfect Lisbeth. Now thatI think about it, did that movie come out in 2012 or 2011? Oh Lord.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">I turned 39, which means this year is the big 4-0. I had dinner with some friends at one of my favorite restaurants. It was a warm night and we ate out on the patio. We had a couple cocktails, ate seafood and laughed and laughed. It was great.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Being pain free. Having another baby.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">In two words: Yoga pants. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">26. What kept you sane?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">my friends</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">I'm not eloquent enough to accurately put into words the lesson I take away from 2012, but I'll try....</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">Life is hard. Seriously, it just is. And even when it's not particularly hard, it's still not EASY. I pretty much have spent the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013 laying around, recovering from my surgery and it's given me lots of time to think. And as the end of the year approached, I started thinking about how 2012 was a rough one. For me and for many of my friends and family. We lost our house, found out that we will never get pregnant again, I had 2 surgeries.....it wasn't the worst year of my life, but it had its challenges. And the truth is, life feels like a challenge a lot of the time. And I don't think its going to get any easier. Its possible its just going to get harder. Am I the only one who feels this way?</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px;">But here's the lesson. Good people, friends and family, are what make life worth living. And I am lucky to have MANY good people in my life. People who help me through the rough times. People who are there to celebrate the good times. And the good people in my life have taught me how to be a better person and a better friend.</span></span></div>
leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-36521846598029347572012-11-07T20:22:00.003-08:002013-01-03T09:33:19.689-08:00Day 7 - Cramps suckI have cramps. Bad ones. Took a 800 mg motrin and then 3 hours later took a half vicodin. And I'm still in pain. The weird thing is - no blood. Sorry if that's gross. But since no one reads this anyways, I guess its okay ; ) I feel like I am full blown on my period except for the bleeding. Is it possible my uterus is now completely shut? My periods have been light since having Finn. Which, after only two years, we figured out was because the scarring in my uterus is really bad. They have been even lighter since my hysteroscopy - which is how I knew that the surgery did not work. But now nothing? <br />
<br />
I have fears about the hysterectomy. I have very complicated feelings about not having a uterus. But I really look forward to the possibility of being without this pain.<br />
<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-90307997643930584022012-11-06T09:13:00.002-08:002013-01-03T09:32:50.530-08:00Day 5 (a day late) - 8's my lucky number"What are your thoughts about tomorrow's election?"<br />
<br />
The above sentence is as far as I got yesterday. Dammit. Well, I posted for 4 days in a row. A new record. But here I am before 8am the next day, making up for yesterday's missed post. That's still pretty good.<br />
<br />
Instead of writing about how I feel about THIS election (which to sum up is NERVOUS), I want to write about 2008. 2008 was supposed to be my year. Why? 8 is my favorite and lucky number. Its the number I always pick if I use "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10." I always use 8 for the lottery. I even like getting eights when I play poker or blackjack (which is also irrational and stupid unless you get 3 or 4 of them in poker). So 2008 would be MY YEAR. Great things would happen. In other words, I would SURELY get pregnant and give birth to a real live baby. These are the types of things crazy people who have trouble getting pregnant think. <br />
<br />
We lost our baby in March of 2007. 2007 was the worst year of my life. SO bad, I don't even really remember anything that happened after March. But I do remember that on New Year's Eve night my husband and I hugged with tears in our eyes, and I was thinking "Thank God that year is over. Let this next one be better." And a part of me believed that it would be. Things just had to turn around. Right? <br />
<br />
Yeah right. 2008 proved to be pretty tough as well. We started trying to get pregnant again in the summer of 2007 and it didn't happen month after month. By 2008, we were concerned and went in to see a fertility doctor. We discovered that I had "old ass eggs" for my age and they recommended that we do fertility treatments. We were about to start those treatments in April when I got pregnant. And to make a long story short - I had a miscarriage. Which turned out to be a pretty long and drawn out process and tough on me physically (I think the fact that it was also tough emotionally goes without saying). Meanwhile everyone and their mother was getting pregnant and having babies. 2008 was turning out to NOT be my year.<br />
<br />
I also started a new teaching job in the fall that was incredibly difficult, stressful and time-consuming. So we decided that baby-making via fertility treatments would have to wait until 2009. So no baby in 2008. So much for my lucky number.<br />
<br />
But election night 2008 was amazing. A friend of mine had a party (I made Barack-li salad). Greg and I wore our Obama shirts. We brought champagne. If I remember correctly, they called the election soon after the west coast polls closed. And I was VERY happy about that. We cheered and danced and popped open our champagne bottles. It was great. To be honest, I voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary but I fully supported Obama in the general. After 8 looooonnnnnngggg years of President Bush I was ready for a change. DESPERATE for a change. And the thought of Sarah Palin being next in line to the presidency was truly terrifying.<br />
<br />
But what I remember most is watching Obama give his acceptance speech. We all stood there, silent, tears in our eyes. It wasn't just that "my guy" had won. It was so much bigger than that. This was history happening right before my eyes. I voted for the first black president. And he won. Wow. I thought of what this meant for our country and for so many people, in ways that I could never understand. I thought of many of my students and so many little children seeing this happen. It was wonderful. It may sound cliche, but I felt so hopeful. <br />
<br />
It was the highlight of an otherwise shitty year.<br />
<br />
<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-19630041505523641372012-11-04T19:37:00.005-08:002012-11-04T19:37:49.801-08:00Day 4 - Fall Back SucksI used to love fall back. I got to sleep late. And it got dark earlier and it felt all cozy and autumnal. And it was lighter earlier in the morning making it easier to wake up and get to work.<br />
<br />
Now I'm a parent. Let me state the obvious - I did NOT get to sleep in. And getting darker earlier means less time outside and more time inside entertaining an active, easily bored almost three year old. And lighter earlier means up earlier and less sleep. At least until we all get used to losing that very important hour.<br />
<br />
Me too tired to write more.leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-70702407031246678422012-11-03T14:27:00.000-07:002012-11-03T14:27:00.551-07:00Day 3 - We have a date........for my hysterectomy. Woo hoo!<br />
<br />
Let's do this by the numbers. Maybe that will help me focus and be able to finish this post before Finn wakes up from his nap.<br />
<br />
18: the date in December that I will have my uterus removed<br />
<br />
5000: dollars, that is. That's my medical insurance out-of-pocket max for the year which I have already reached. If the surgery had not been scheduled in 2012, I would have had to shell out another $5000 for the hysterectomy. But my doctor, who is fucking awesome, agreed to do the surgery on the 18th even though she originally told me that December 17th was her absolute last day of availability for the year.<br />
<br />
2: the number of doctors who will perform the surgery. One is my regular OB. She did my hysteroscopy in May. When the topic of MORE surgery came up, I asked her about a second opinion and someone who is more of a specialist. She referred me to a urogynecologist. The two of them are going to do robotic laparoscopic surgery on me.<br />
<br />
6: the number of weeks that it will take for me to fully recover. My doctor doesn't want me to do any heavy lifting during this time. Gah. Does picking up an almost three year old count?<br />
<br />
6: this is also the number of weeks I have to train my son to sleep in a big boy bed and to get in and out of the car by himself. I am NOT forcing the potty training thing. I figure if it happens, it happens. And if it doesn't, I'll change him on his new bed (that we need to buy). We can potty train him after I heal.<br />
<br />
137: the number of doctors who have seen my vagina. Okay, I made this number up. But between infertility and all the problems I've had in the last 3 years, it feels like a conservative estimate. I really hope that after this procedure I can go back to being more normal - one doctor, once a year gets to see my hoohaw and that's it. Its kinda funny though. I've become totally desensitized to it. I'll go see a new doctor or ultrasound tech and they'll be so kind and careful and I'm ripping off my tearaway sweats and putting my legs up in the stirrups, saying "Alrighty, let's go doc."<br />
<br />
4 or 5: the number of months pregnant I currently look. And I am obviously NOT pregnant or I'm pretty sure they would not perform a hysterectomy on me next month. But man am I bloated and in pain again. This is the worst I've felt in over a year. Maybe my body or the Universe is trying to tell me - "Do it! Have the surgery! You've tried so many other things that haven't worked! Now its time to try this." PLEASE let this hysterectomy help me feel better.<br />
<br />
Alright, that's all I have time for. There's more to write and more to process another day. For example, how I feel about absolutely never being able to get pregnant again. I already pretty much knew this, but this sure makes it FOR SURE. And I would imagine that when I'm laying around feeling like shit, it will be really easy to feel very sad about it. Or how I'm pretty terrified of having surgery again. What if something bad happens? What if it doesn't work? What if it makes things worse?<br />
<br />
But maybe it will help me feel better.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-29663094292009428182012-11-02T19:22:00.004-07:002012-11-02T19:22:45.856-07:00Day Two and I'm still Writing!I don't have much time, but I'm determined to write so I'm going with the prompt of the day:<br />
<br />
"If you could live anywhere, where would it be?"<br />
<br />
I like this prompt and its actually relevant to me because we short saled our house this year and are currently living in a rental. Not that there's anything wrong with renting, but the circumstances under which we find ourselves here are less than satisfactory. And while I really like the house we are renting and I enjoy the neighborhood so far, this is not where we want to live forever.<br />
<br />
So I have three answers.<br />
<br />
#1 Where I ACTUALLY want to live (and can afford buy) when our credit recovers and we can buy again: Benicia. Or Martinez. But the hubs says no to Benicia - he doesn't want to cross two bridges to get to work,which I totally understand. So it will probably (hopefully) be Martinez. Its a nice little town.<br />
<br />
#2 Where I would live in my real life, if we had tons of money: Probably still Martinez. Just in a nicer, bigger house with land. Or maybe Lafayette or Orinda. If we had lots of money I would definitely want a house with a little bit of land for a huge garden and some chickens.<br />
<br />
#3 My fantasy/dream answer: Somewhere in Europe. Probably in France. I'd have a house in the Provincial countryside and an apartment in Paris. And eat good food and drink wine and see beautiful buildings and art all the time and be just a train ride away from so many amazing places.<br />
<br />
I pray that #1 comes to pass. If win the lottery, it'll be #2. If I win some crazy multi-state, biggest jackpot in history lottery, I'll add on #3.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-86969204306792116182012-11-01T20:46:00.001-07:002012-11-01T20:46:54.018-07:00#1261I have a lot going on. 2012 has been quite a year. Wonderful and difficult, exciting and sad. Of course, one would never know this by reading my blog. Since I don't actually WRITE any posts. I mean, I think about blogging and writing all the time. I have things I want to remember. I have things I need to get off my chest. I feel I should do something to keep my poor, tired, "stay-at-home mom" brain in better shape. But my last blog post was in August. Gah.<br />
<br />
I need to get in the habit of writing and processing and figuring shit out that needs to be figured out. I need to stop watching 2 or 3 hours of TV every night after I put my son to bed. I need to stop falling asleep watching the news (and by news, I mean Real Housewives of New Jersey). Blogging, reading, unpacking those last pesky 10 or 12 boxes, learning to knit again - these are things I should do.<br />
<br />
Since organizing my closet and knitting seem totally unlikely, I signed up for NaBloPoMo. I'm number 1261 on the blogroll. I like my number - I've got a good feeling about this. Thank God Melissa provides a list of prompts or I'd be in trouble. Although I can't think of a good quote for the life of me, so I'm just writing about how I never write but really want to. Fascinating stuff. But its a start.<br />
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Hmmm, well, that's all I've got for today. My husband is actually home early tonight so we're gonna catch up on The Amazing Race. And I don't feel bad about watching TV after writing that I should watch less TV. leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-16505242062622342302012-10-01T09:44:00.000-07:002013-01-03T09:46:18.262-08:00Not sureIts taken me a while to sit down and start to write this. Sometimes I don't write because I feel fine and I don't NEED to write. Lots of times I have things I COULD write about, but after a long day with my little guy, tivo and the couch win me over. I think I have not written about this yet because, when I 'm really honest with myself, I am having a VERY hard time processing this. I haven't been sure what to even write. I'm not sure exactly HOW I feel about this or WHY I feel the things I do. But I decided that my feelings don't need to be summed up neatly in one post. I'll just start writing and see if it helps me.<br />
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I will not ever get pregnant again.<br />
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I didn't say "CAN'T" ever get pregnant again, because there is actually some incredibly small chance that I could get pregnant. I say "WILL NOT" because my doctor told me that if I (miraculously) did get pregnant again, she would be very concerned about my health. I am at high risk of very serious complications. The kind you die from. Oh and I probably would never even get pregnant again anyway - assisted or otherwise. So, yeah....I will not ever get pregnant again.<br />
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My hysteroscopy was at the beginning of May. I could have written a whole post about that experience but I think I was in a state of depression for a few days afterwards and just laid in bed recovering - also known as eating gluten free cookies and watching "The West Wing" dvds. I'll just cut to the chase - the scarring inside my uterus was the worst my doctor has ever seen. Which, after thinking about for a week or so, prompted me to ask her - how many of these has she done? Am I the worst out 5? Or 500? She never gave the me the exact number, but she's said she's done more than 5. But, she had a technician with her in surgery who came with one of the machines or tools or whatever she used on me and this person has been in on hundreds of these surgeries all over the Bay Area. She said this was the SECOND worst she's ever seen. <br />
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Both my doctor and the internets tell me that women with severe intrauterine scarring have a small chance of actually getting pregnant again (need I mention that I already had a small chance of getting pregnant agin?). And those that get pregnant are at high risk for complications - miscarriage, placenta previa, preeclampsia, and on and on and on.<br />
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Awesome. And by awesome, I mean fuckity fuck fuck.<br />
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The practical, realistic side of me feels pretty okay about this. It is what it is right? And there are things about it that are actually positive. I mean, let's break it down:<br />
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1. I'm 39. I had trouble getting pregnant before. I've got old ass eggs. The only thing I had going for me before was my uterus. And now that's all fucked up. <br />
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2. For over a year after having my son, I was convinced that I did not even WANT to get pregnant again and felt okay about it. Then when I decided that what was holding me back from trying was fear, I faced it down and went for it. We tried. Well, we started to try. And we got some seriously bad news. I was afraid of something bad happening and it did. And I'm sad. But I'm going to be okay. And I'm proud of myself for facing my fears.<br />
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3. I do not have to inject myself with hormones and have people poke and prod me and stick stuff up my vagina.<br />
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4. The bad news came before we spent half our savings.<br />
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5. We have a definitive answer. We cannot try to get pregnant. Its over and done. It sucks. But at least now we know. We can deal with it and move on. <br />
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6. I am blessed with a beautiful and healthy son. He makes me happy every single day. I experienced pregnancy. I gave birth. I am SO blessed.<br />
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Those are the things the rational Leah tells herself. And those are the things I focused on and said out loud to my family and friends in the first couple weeks after the surgery. And its all true.<br />
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But there is a part of me that is having a very hard time coming to terms with this. There is a part of me that feels a very deep sadness. With a little pissed off thrown in there too. Here's what the other side of Leah thinks:<br />
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1. Seriously? Anencephaly, miscarriage, fertility treatments, c-section, chronic pain and digestive issues and now this? I guess, it just doesn't get to be easy. And it wasn't even going to EASY. It was going to be expensive and hard and uncomfortable and scary. But we don't even get to do that. Well, that's fucking bullshit.<br />
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2. I wanted to be pregnant again. I. want. to. be. pregnant. again. Its not just that I want another baby. I believe I could still have another baby. But I feel like I want a do-over on the pregnancy thing. Well, not a do-OVER, but a do-BETTER. I want to not be terrified all the time. I want to enjoy more moments. I want to go in for my c-section with my toes done, my makeup on, feeling well-rested and ready to have an uneventful and calm surgery. I realize all this is irrational. But its how I feel. So many women get to have wonderful pregnancies and beautiful births. Why can't I?<br />
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3. Its weird that its over. We've been on the whole "trying to get pregnant" journey for 6 years. And now we're done. 6 years is a long time. Change can be hard. This is a big change.<br />
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<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-10793099938443085382012-08-19T07:52:00.001-07:002012-08-19T07:52:29.750-07:00Moving DayToday is moving day and I am feeling a little blue. Relieved, excited, only mildly stressed and blue. Actually, I'm a jumbled mess of emotions about this whole thing but I don't have much time before its time to make a pot of coffee and madly finish packing before the guys get here to load the truck so....I'll focus on one set of emotions related to leaving this house.<br />
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This is the house where I was pregnant with my baby. Not Finn. My other baby. This is the house where we felt joy and excitement over the positive pregnancy test and painted little blocks of color on the wall and talked about names and talked about names. And its also the house we came home to after receiving the worst news of our lives. Where we sat on the couch and didn't know what to do next. Couldn't believe it was happening. Didn't know how to move onto what would be the "after." This is where we cried and cried and cried. Where friends brought us food and flowers and our beautiful tree. This is where we fell to the depths and struggled to get out. This is where I changed.<br />
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We don't have much. No pictures, no grave. We have our tree (which is coming with us) and the memories, most of which were in this house. And I feel sad to leave. I know I have her in in my heart. And the memories are painfully burned in my memory. And maybe it sounds weird, but I feel like this was her house too. She is everywhere here. And I feel like I'm losing a little of her by leaving this place.<br />
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<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-11379793889698240262012-04-24T20:54:00.001-07:002012-04-24T20:54:13.491-07:00The Facebook posts in my headWhen something funny or awkward or shitty happens, I sometimes compose a Facebook post about it in my head. "Just got finished with vagina-therapy with a hilarious and very unattractive woman named Zelda." (when I was doing physical therapy FOR MY VAGINA) "Couldn't leave the house this morning because I was afraid I would poop my pants." (when my IBS symptoms were particularly bad) "Husband broke the toilet last night - its a bad flu." (I think this one needs no explanation)<br />
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Today's Facebook post in my head is "Just backed into a pole and crushed my tail light. Fuck. Oh and the inside of my uterus is stuck together and we're going to lose our house." <br />
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The thing is, I haven't been feeling very upset about my uterus or the house. But the broken tail light seems to have put me over the edge. I feel a little dumb for backing into a pole. But mostly I feel crazy because, after I parked, I got out and checked the back of my car and was amazed to see that there was no damage. I even checked AGAIN when I got back in my car after my haircut because I couldn't believe that there was no damage. Then tonight my husband come in the bathroom while I'm giving Finn a bath and asks me if I backed into something. And I say "Uhhhh yeah." And what I'm thinking is "The only way he could know that is because he saw that something is wrong with my car. How the fuck did I miss that?!" So I go check it out and see that my tail light is mashed. Not sure how I could have missed that TWICE. Gah.<br />
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Now on to my uterus: I had a saline sonogram two weeks ago. Its part of the required pre-testing at our fertility clinic. I've had one before. So I went in not feeling stressed AT ALL. I knew what to expect from the procedure and I was almost certain that the test would show my uterus is fine (its my old ass eggs that are the problem). I was just feeling irritated that I had to spend $800 to find out that everything was fine. Well, shit. Turns out everything is not fine.<br />
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It started off quite well actually. She told me my cervical mucus looked great, I had an egg getting ready to ovulate on the right side, and the lining was "three stripes" which apparently is good for implantation. After she tells me all this good news, I actually started thinking that I would probably get pregnant this month the old-fashioned way (yeah, um no). Then she puts the saline in and starts taking a bunch of ultrasound pictures. She puts more saline in and takes a bunch more. After she's done, she says I can sit up and asks me if I had been paying attention. Which I guess is what you ask someone when you are about to tell them bad news? Was I supposed to stop her and say, you don't need to explain. I was watching carefully and I know EXACTLY what's going on. Anyway, she tells me that it appears that I have significant adhesions inside my uterus. I'm like, INSIDE? I didn't even know you could get them inside. Several doctors have told me they are almost certain that I have significant adhesions outside of my uterus - my OB thinks my uterus is stuck to my bladder. And I have had pain and IBS issues since the C-section. So, regardless of how confident I felt prior to the test, I guess I am not really THAT surprised. <br />
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So now what? I need to have a hysteroscopy. I went in to see my OB/GYN last week to consult her about it. I want her to do it so that its covered by insurance. Its scheduled for next Friday. Best case scenario: She goes in, cuts the adhesions, bing bang boom, we pursue treatment in a month or two. Worst case scenario: I'm paraphrasing here, but I think its possible that the doctor who did my c-section sewed my uterus together. I forget exactly how my doctor worded it. She said the ultrasound image was strange. She said that usually the adhesions look thin and wispy but that, in my case, there appears the be a thick band across the middle. Awesome. She said that she doesn't know what happened during the c-section because she wasn't there. She just needs to "get in there and see what she can see."<br />
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I have joked many times over the last two years of recovery and pain and IBS that I got the "Christmas Night C-section." And I have worked very hard at figuring out on my own how to feel better and accept that I didn't heal easily and deal with the fact that I still have about a week a month of pain and IBS troubles and just be grateful that I have Finn and that he is healthy. But if that fucking doctor sewed my uterus together, I'm going to be pissed.<br />
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Inhale. Exhale.<br />
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And I'm pretty nervous about the surgery. I mean, I guess its not really that big of a deal. Its outpatient. They don't have to cut into me - they use existing holes....But my poor little tipped (and now scarred) uterus has been through so much! A D&E, a D&C, a c-section. I mean, enough already. The idea of cutting in there gives me the willies. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. Surgery is what CAUSED these problems and now I'm having more surgery.<br />
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But what really scares me is the worst case scenario. What if things are REALLY fucked up in there? What if she tells me that I can't get pregnant. Not, you PROBABLY won't get pregnant. Or its UNLIKELY you will get pregnant. But you CANNOT get pregnant.<br />
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I know that worrying about it now does me no good. We'll know more in a week in a half. And thank God I have a wonderful two year old distraction to make the time fly (and I am SO grateful for that amazing little distraction). But here is where I vent and worry and get stuff off my chest. So I did. Now I have a Grey's Anatomy calling my name....<br />
<br />leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-62972500595092919882012-03-06T20:31:00.006-08:002012-03-06T20:57:43.087-08:00Needles are no big deal....These are words that would NEVER have crossed my lips before trying to have a baby. <br /><br />I used to have serious needle-phobia. I mean I was TERRIFIED of them. When I was a kid, I worried for DAYS when I knew I had a doctor's appointment coming. I once had a pretty badly infected spider bite that needed draining. My doctor wanted to numb it before cutting it open and squeezing the puss out. Barf. After explaining this to me, it took two nurses and my mother to hold me down while they did the procedure. Summer after my freshman year in college, a friend was exposed to Hepatitis (the restaurant and toilet seat kind, not the STD) so the four of us who worked closely with her had to get vaccinated just to be safe. I was so pissed at her. FURIOUS. Summer before my senior year in college I took classes at UC Davis and had a weird skin rash. The doctor wanted to do a blood test. I sat in the waiting area SOBBING because I was alone and so scared. I also left the building two times and almost got in my car and just drove away because I was by myself and no one could stop me (I didn't actually leave by the way. I hiked up my skirt and did the blood test. And cried the whole time.).<br /><br />I grew a little tougher as an adult. I was still terrified but I could control and deal with it like a fairly normal person. I even got a couple of tattoos. But not until fertility treatments did they become no big deal. Now I'm a CHAMP. I pull up my sleeve, ball up my fist and don't even flinch when the needle goes in. I know that its easier to find a good vein in my left arm. I compliment a good phlebotomist (and there are bad ones, we all know it). Its kind of like a girlie exam. They were neither ENJOYABLE nor terrifying, but it was something I did not look forward to. Now, I'm like "Undress from the waist down? Sure! You're like one of 5 doctors left in the area who HASN'T seen my vagina, so have at it."<br /><br />Back to the needles. I'm starting acupuncture again. I am so NOT needle-phobic anymore that I am willing to pay someone to stick like 15-20 needles all over my body (go back in time and tell that to College Leah and she would squirt keg beer out her nose and laugh her ass off.) I figure if we are going to spend all this friggin money, let's do everything we can to improve our chances right? So I went to my new acupuncturist yesterday. I liked her. She's going to make it so I can get pregnant again. And eat gluten again. Its going to be so awesome. Except for the herbs. The herbs are NOT awesome. They taste like shit.leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6973823339138832425.post-75317043118712560442012-02-15T07:47:00.006-08:002012-03-01T12:55:53.187-08:00Back in the Stirrups AgainSo we went to our consultation appointment on Monday. I really liked the doctor we met with. And I guess the news was as good as we could hope for. <br /><br />We went over our history with her. She talked about how being an old lady like me is not good for eggs (no duh). She said my husband's sperm counts (from 2008) looked very good. Which means the trouble really is all me and my old ass eggs. But she said my FSH has stayed basically the same from 2008 to now. So all that was good news. <br /><br />Some things that surprised me: I had gone in thinking we were definitely looking at IVF, but based on what she said, IUI may be our best option. Because our only issue appears to be maternal age, our odds of getting pregnant are about the same if we do a few rounds of IUI as they are if we did one round of IVF. She said IVF increases the odds of pregnancy in younger women and women who have tubal issues and for couples dealing with male factor and those sorts of things. But apparently old ladies like me just don't have good odds when using their own eggs. Now I did actually know this (again, no duh), but I didn't realize that IUI could possibly give us just as good a chance. As anyone who has gone down the infertility road knows, IUI IS HELLA CHEAPER THAN IVF. She also told me that going with an IVF package (2 fresh, 2 frozen cycles at a discounted price) is no good for us because I would most likely not have any embryos to freeze. She said that with women my age, they are just HOPING to get 2 or 3 good embryos and that they usually use all 3 in a fresh cycle and hope that just one sticks.<br /><br />So we then moved on to the examination room where it was time to hop back in the stirrups. When the doctor left us so I could get undressed, my husband just looked around and said "here we are again." Of course, I have been in many a stirrup since we last did fertility treatments, in the quest to figure out what the hell was wrong with me, but he wasn't with me at those appointments. And they weren't technically related to babymaking. But I could see he was feeling a little like "oh shit, I did not miss this." I was actually feeling pretty okay. I've had so many trans-v ultrasounds, it ain't no thang. And I type "trans-v" in honor of those assholes in Virginia, especially the man who sponsored the bill, but can't even SAY the word "vagina." I forget his name at the moment, but I saw footage of him saying "trans-V ultrasound" over and over. Its trans-VAGINAL fella. If you can't even SAY the word vagina, maybe you should think long and hard about legislating what women have do with theirs. Kthanx bye. Now back to me.<br /><br />My antral follicle count was 2 or 3 on the left and 3 or 4 on the right which she said was about what she expected - not great, not horrible. On day 3 of my next cycle, which should start any second now, I'll get my FSH, estradiol and AMH tested. I've had FSH and estradiol done recently, but I've never had the AMH. Apparently it wasn't even available way back in 2008. Its another indicator of ovarian reserve and helps the doctor estimate our chances of success. So if that comes back in a not horrible range, it sounds like she's going to tell us we have a reasonable chance of success. What's reasonable? I believe she said they don't like to do IVF on women who have a less than 25% of success and that we should decide what percentage is acceptable to us. 25%?! Is 25% reasonable?! Oh and I think the percentage is even smaller for any given round of IUI. Awesome.<br /><br />So anyways, now we wait for my period to make its arrival. Of course, this month when we are waiting for it to come to get started on possibly trying, its not coming. And not because I'm pregnant (I already POAS and it was negative - who pees on a stick on day 25 of their cycle? Me.) I guess its good that I'm actually having a normal-length cycle? Oh, who knows. So now its day 28 and I haven't had a 28 day cycle in who knows how long. Oh well. I feel relatively relaxed about the waiting. My new focus on "one day at a time" appears to be working so far AND I have a delightful little two year old to keep me quite busy.<br /><br />The only other thing worth noting is that the day of our appointment was the 5 year anniversary of finding out the terrible news about our first baby. February 27, 2007 . I can't believe its been five years. I wore the bracelet my husband got me as a remembrance of her. For good luck? To remind myself and her and all the world that she will always be my first baby in my heart? I don't know. i just felt like wearing it.<br /><br />So we shall see.......one day a at time.leahjane8http://www.blogger.com/profile/03959827601730474955noreply@blogger.com0