Today's prompt is "Sacred Place." One of the difficult things for me about pregnancy loss is the lack of traditions or ceremony or special places. There is no grave. There was no funeral. There are no pictures (except for two ultrasound pictures and a few of me pregnant which I can still hardly bear to look at). I think those are all important parts of grieving a loss.
For a while, I did not have a sacred place. And technically, I still don't. But the beach or near the ocean has become a special place for me. A place where I can breathe deeply and find some quiet and clear my head. There is something about the coach - the crashing the waves, the salt air, the bigness of the sky and the ocean. Its like you can't get away from yourself or your thoughts there (and I mean t hat in a good way) - there is nothing else but you and water and sand. And almost every time I am at the beach or near the ocean I think of our baby.
And what's funny is that I used to dislike the beach. I hated the wind, the sand, the cold water. Looking at the water or sitting and doing nothing bored me. I did not appreciate the beauty or the bigness. And I can't pinpoint the exact time when that changed, but I know it was after we lost the baby.
This was in Hawaii on one of our sunrise walks. Those morning walks were some of the most precious time from that trip. It was just Greg and I. And when he would go off and take pictures, I would walk ahead on my own and we would be alone together. It was so beautiful and peaceful. And I felt my baby there.
This is down by the bay where I go walking at least once a week - sometimes with Finn, sometimes with one of my good friends, sometimes alone. This is a place where my head clears and I feel calm. Its not the same as a beautiful beach in Hawaii but the water is blue and the sky is big. These are my places.
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