Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Capture Your Grief - Day 1

So I've decided to participate in some way in Carly Marie's #captureyourgrief project for the month of October.  Here's a description of the event from her website: "Capture Your Grief is a beautifully poignant act of remembrance and awareness. There are 31 subjects, one for each day in the month of October. You are invited to share a photo that captures your journey with each daily subject that inspires your heart. You are welcome to take new photos or use ones from the past. Capture Your Grief is about exploring your grief and discovering more about your thoughts to aid in your journey of healing and personal growth."  

I think this is a wonderful idea.  I've been feeling like I wanted to do SOMETHING this year.  Not sure what or how.  Its been seven years since I lost my baby.  Seven was an important number for me in losing her.  So this year, the milestones somehow felt different.  More significant.  Its also been long enough now where I feel like I can process what happened.  It's easier to talk about.  I'm in a  pretty good place.  Wonderful place actually.  But the grief is still there.  Its not the "all-encompassing, weighing me down every day" grief of the first year.  But the experience and the grief are just a part of who I am and will always be present in some form.

Anyway, I don't have much time so here is my picture for today

This is not from this morning.  I did not get to take a picture of the sunrise this morning.  And the story of my morning pretty much sums up where I am in life right now:  Finn woke up at 3:30 this morning, turned on his light and started  reading and talking to himself.  We've been having sleep issue for months now - waking up VERY early, nightmare, night terrors.  I went in to his room and told him it was still the middle of the night and he needed to go back to sleep.  But I was now WIDE AWAKE.  Long story short, he never went back to sleep and I only got about 45 minutes before our wake up time at 6:45.  I am exhausted.  And its pretty likely that he will have a rough afternoon.  But on this  Day 1 of the Capture Your Grief project, I can easily feel grateful for this long night and possibly tough day.  Its so much better than the alternative.  The pain and sadness that I felt from the day we got the diagnosis about our first baby until the moment that Finn was put in my arms (well, next to my face, but that's another story) was hard.  Last night and today?  Lack of sleep and a cranky four year old?  Not hard in the scheme of things.  So that's where I am.  I'm the mother of a bright, funny, curious, challenging, loving four and a half year old.

The picture I chose is of my husband and I on a sunrise walk in Hawaii.  It was a wonderful trip with Finn and Greg's mom and that was a beautiful morning the two of us were able to share.  I thought about our baby on that walk while Greg took pictures of whales and the gorgeous sunrise.  There is something about the beach and the ocean - I always think of her when I'm there.

And even though it was about 20 minutes after the sunrise, I took a moment this morning to think about our baby and try to feel connected to people around the world who have lost babies and to send love and support to those who are still deep in the grief journey.

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