So I started my period today. Which explains why I have been combing adoptions websites for the past week. I had one agency send me an info packet. And I found a baby we should TOTALLY adopt on the website of the adoption facilitator that my friends used when adopting their son. The baby is due in February. I'm sure we are mentally, financially and legally ready to add to our family in the next 6 weeks right? And by ready I mean, we haven't officially decided to start the process, haven't chosen an agency or had a homestudy or any of those silly little details.
The day before my period started last month, I spent the whole night online researching IVF costs. Which is strange because I have spent A LOT of time thinking about going down the fertility treatment road again and have decided again and again, I repeat, after MUCH thought, soul-searching and discussion with the husband, that we are not going to do it. If it was cheaper we would. If the odds were better we would. But the combination of the cost, the odds and the emotional and physical toll it takes on both of us (but especially me), makes it very unattractive. I blame PMS for making me think "$15,000 isn't THAT expensive, we could totally give this a try!" ($15,000 was the absolute cheapest I could find - I thought it would be more like 25 - 30 grand, so 15 grand started to sound like a good deal. And I love a good deal.).
Apparently, in the days leading up to my period I start wanting another baby REALLY BAD.
Which brings two major questions to mind:
#1 Why is life so goddamned unfair and why do I have such a hard time getting pregnant? That's my "boo hoo, woe is me" question. I usually get over it pretty fast because....ummm, life's NOT fair - get over it. And I am oh so blessed to have one healthy beautiful living baby - so get over it.
#2 Why do I want another baby so badly? This is the bigger question. I don't think I can blame it all on PMS. I am currently on my period and not PMSing and I still want another baby. Yet almost a year ago, I wrote a post on my other blog about how I would be okay with just having one. Now I'm not so sure. Is it because Finn is no longer a baby? Is it because I have always planned on having at least two kids and I just can't let go of the plan? Or is it because I will never be happy with what I've got, I'll always want more and more? Or is it because being a mother is so fulfilling, it feels so right, it is SO a huge part of who I am supposed to be, that I want to do again?
I could write and write and write about this, but I don't have the time. And it can't be figured out in a day anyways. I'll keep wanting. And trust that the answer will come. And I'll be ready for a PMS fueled how-to-get-a-baby web search next month (or actually in about 20 days because my cycles are ridiculously short lately). But I do want to say that I am SURE that if we adopted a child, I would want to have sex with my husband all the time. And no, I did not add that last sentence because I found out he snuck a read the other day. I swear.