Monday, October 1, 2012

Not sure

Its taken me a while to sit down and start to write this.  Sometimes I don't write because I feel fine and I don't NEED to write.  Lots of times I have things I COULD write about, but after a long day with my little guy, tivo and the couch win me over.  I think I have not written about this yet because, when I 'm really honest with myself, I am having a VERY hard time processing this.  I haven't been sure what to even write.  I'm not sure exactly HOW I feel about this or WHY I feel the things I do.  But I decided that my feelings don't need to be summed up neatly in one post.  I'll just start writing and see if it helps me.

I will not ever get pregnant again.

I didn't say "CAN'T" ever get pregnant again, because there is actually some incredibly small chance that I could get pregnant.  I say "WILL NOT" because my doctor told me that if I (miraculously) did get pregnant again, she would be very concerned about my health.  I am at high risk of very serious complications.  The kind you die from.  Oh and I probably would never even get pregnant again anyway - assisted or otherwise.  So, yeah....I will not ever get pregnant again.

My hysteroscopy was at the beginning of May.  I could have written a whole post about that experience but I think I was in a state of depression for a few days afterwards and just laid in bed recovering - also known as eating gluten free cookies and watching "The West Wing" dvds.  I'll just cut to the chase - the scarring inside my uterus was the worst my doctor has ever seen.  Which, after thinking about for a week or so, prompted me to ask her - how many of these has she done?  Am I the worst out 5?  Or 500?  She never gave the me the exact number, but she's said she's done more than 5.  But, she had a technician with her in surgery who came with one of the machines or tools or whatever she used on me and this person has been in on hundreds of these surgeries all over the Bay Area.  She said this was the SECOND worst she's ever seen.

Both my doctor and the internets tell me that women with severe intrauterine scarring have a small chance of actually getting pregnant again (need I mention that I already had a small chance of getting pregnant agin?).  And those that get pregnant are at high risk for complications - miscarriage, placenta previa, preeclampsia, and on and on and on.

Awesome.  And by awesome, I mean fuckity fuck fuck.

The practical, realistic side of me feels pretty okay about this.  It is what it is right?  And there are things about it that are actually positive.  I mean, let's break it down:

1.  I'm 39.  I had trouble getting pregnant before.  I've got old ass eggs.  The only thing I had going for me before was my uterus.  And now that's all fucked up.

2.  For over a year after having my son, I was convinced that I did not even WANT to get pregnant again and felt okay about it.  Then when I decided that what was holding me back from trying was fear, I faced it down and went for it.  We tried.  Well, we started to try.  And we got some seriously bad news.  I was afraid of something bad happening and it did.  And I'm sad.  But I'm going to be okay.  And I'm proud of myself for facing my fears.

3.  I do not have to inject myself with hormones and have people poke and prod me and stick stuff up my vagina.

4.  The bad news came before we spent half our savings.

5.  We have a definitive answer.  We  cannot try to get pregnant.  Its over and done.  It sucks.  But at least now we know.  We can deal with it and move on.

6.  I am blessed with a beautiful and healthy son.  He makes me happy every single day.  I experienced pregnancy.  I gave birth.  I am SO blessed.

Those are the things the rational Leah tells herself.  And those are the things I focused on and said out loud to my family and friends in the first couple weeks after the surgery.  And its all true.

But there is a part of me that is having a very hard time coming to terms with this.  There is a part of me that feels a very deep sadness.  With a little pissed off thrown in there too.  Here's what the other side of Leah thinks:

1.  Seriously?  Anencephaly, miscarriage, fertility treatments, c-section, chronic pain and digestive issues and now this?  I guess, it just doesn't get to be easy.  And it wasn't even going to EASY.  It was going to be expensive and hard and uncomfortable and scary.  But we don't even get to do that.  Well, that's fucking bullshit.

2.  I wanted to be pregnant again.  I. want. to. be. pregnant. again.  Its not just that I want another baby.  I believe I could still have another baby.  But I feel like I want a do-over on the pregnancy thing.  Well, not a do-OVER, but a do-BETTER.  I want to not be terrified all the time.  I want to enjoy more moments.  I want to go in for my c-section with my toes done, my makeup on, feeling well-rested and ready to have an uneventful and calm surgery.  I realize all this is irrational.  But its how I feel.  So many women get to have wonderful pregnancies and beautiful births.  Why can't I?

3.  Its weird that its over.  We've been on the whole "trying to get pregnant" journey for 6 years.  And now we're done.  6 years is a long time.  Change can be hard.  This is a big change.

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