Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Barren Bitches Book Brigade Post


I participated in Mel's Barren Bitches Book Brigade this month.  We read "The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption" by Lori Holden (http://www.amazon.com/Open-Hearted-Way-Open-Adoption-Helping/dp/1442217383).

My husband and I have been in the process of deciding if we should adopt a child for a lonnnnnng time and I had gotten to the "let's shit or get off the pot" point.  I know this is a big decision - HUGE - not one to be taken lightly or decided on a whim.  But I mean, we'd done the research, listed the pros and cons, thought long and hard, found an agency we loved, slept on it, etc, etc.  And I recently told him that I just needed to KNOW.  We needed to actually make a decision.  I felt like I could deal with the outcome either way, I just needed to KNOW so I could move on with my life.  And then I saw the book club selection and thought "this is a sign."  Not necessarily a sign that we should or should not adopt, but that we should DECIDE and move forward.  So I signed right up, ordered me a copy from Amazon and read it all in one sitting the day it arrived.  That's how I roll.

What did we decide?  Shall I keep you in suspense?  Or should I tell you that one week and one day from now we will be attending our agency's workshop to sign a contract, work on our birthparent letter and get started on the home study?  WOO HOO!  I'm so excited.  And scared.  And so many other things.  But that's for a later post (many later posts I'm sure...)

Here are my responses to the questions:


Lori refers to the relationship between adoptive parents and birthparents as similar to an in-law relationship.  Does thinking about the relationship as an in-law relationship influence how you approach open adoption?


It did influence me.  To be honest, the part of open adoption that makes me the most uneasy is the relationship with the birthparents.  It's the unknown.  The fear of lack of control. The wondering what it will actually be like, what it will look like, how it will feel.....But thinking of the birth parents as similar to in-laws makes sense to me and makes it feel less scary.  It makes me feel like, I can possibly relate to this new relationship in some way.  That I have some experience to pull from, that it's not completely new or unknown.  I happen to like my in-laws and don't find them scary at all, but the analogy works regardless ; )  


I know finding my parents' receipts related to my adoption stung when I found them. And I lashed out hard. And I was old enough to not be so reactive (this was just a few years ago) but was despite myself. Like adoption, any type of assisted reproduction has money changing hands and sometimes several. How have you, or will you talk about this with your child/ren?

I hadn't thought about this one from that perspective.  The money ultimately doesn't matter to me.  Our son was conceived through fertility treatments which cost a lot of money.  Adopting our second child will cost lots of money too.  And of course, I wish we didn't HAVE to spend so much money to have kids.  I'd rather go spend it on a fabulous vacation or save it to buy a house....but at the end of the day, its worth it to me.  I'm not sure how I would talk about it with my children.  I don't think its something I would bring up.  But if they asked questions I would tell them what they wanted to know.  I'm not ashamed that I had to spend money to have children.  That's just the hand we were dealt.


The term “Real Mother” or “Real Parents” comes up quite frequently in an adoptee’s life.  Lori suggests in her book that we see each set of parents (birth and adoptive) as “Real”.  Do you agree?  How would you personally handle this terminology? And are there other ways to effectively deal with this term if used by your child or directed at your child by another?

I agree with her.  Birth parents are REAL.  Adopted parents are REAL.  We are all real live humans.  I like the way Lori talked about dealing with it saying "we are both real - let me pinch you (although I'd want to say punch you) to show I'm not fake."  Again, I'm not totally sure what I'd say, but I think going through pregnancy loss and infertility has given me some experience with well-meaning, but awkward questions and comments.  




I thought the book was WONDERFUL.  I'm sure I will be referring to it many times over the next weeks, months, and years.  Lori's approach makes sense to me - what's best for the child is the most important thing.  I am already a mother to my son so I know to my core what it means to put your child first.  I can do that.  There are definitely pros and cons to open adoption.  There are things that I am apprehensive about.  But if open adoption is what's best for my child, and I believe that it is, than that is what I will do.  "Open adoption is a process, not a process in time."  I think Lori's book is a great resource for navigating the process.  Just looking back and rereading some of what I highlighted helps me breathe and focus as I answer these questions and think about the difficult or uncomfortable times that may lie ahead on our journey.  


I feel like I could have written long, rambling page-long answers to each question but I've been busy making some big decisions this week!  And I have forms to fill out!  And episodes of The Voice on my Tivo!



Please return to the main post to read more opinions on Lori Holden's The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption

6 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you answered one of the questions I submitted - the money one. Because it's one I'm grappling with at home too. I think I would probably approach it the same as you -

    "I'm not ashamed that I had to spend money to have children. That's just the hand we were dealt."

    Yep. Agreed. And worth every penny. I guess that's where I struggle though. I don't want my child (maybe future children?) to feel indebted to us or that they owe us anything. Or that their value is connected to the cost of their conception. Maybe because I felt that way as an adopted kid (out of all the babies in the world, we chose you!) Ack! No pressure!

    On the topic of what's "real," you make a great point: "I think going through pregnancy loss and infertility has given me some experience with well-meaning, but awkward questions and comments."

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  2. Congrats on deciding to pursue adoption! What a huge and exciting decision! Also, how awesome to have Lori's Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption as a resource/guide for your journey!

    I echo m's comment, as she quoted two parts of your post that stood out to me the most. I appreciate your perspective on having to spend money to have children being the hand you were dealt. Well said.

    I also appreciate what you shared about how "going through pregnancy loss and infertility has given (you) some experience with well-meaning, but awkward questions and comments." I remember thinking about that too when reading parts of Lori's book that addressed how to handle such interactions.

    One of the things I am loving about this book tour is finding out what connection each blogger has to the adoption constellation... We seem to have most every perspective represented which I find fascinating. I think this book is truly a gift to the adoption community and parents in general, as there is so much to chew on when it comes to raising any child whole and with an open-heart. Thank you for participating and sharing your thoughts and experience! I wish you the best throughout this next part of your journey to build your family.

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  3. Congrats on having made a decision, Leah Jane.

    I am so happy that you joined this tour and that you found the book helpful. And I liked your answer to m's question, too.

    Thanks so much for participating in this tour. If you have a moment, would you consider putting an excerpt of your post up as an Amazon review? I'd so appreciate it.

    Best wishes with your journey!

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  4. Hi from the book tour!!!!!!!!

    Oh my god, I lover your post! And your little description of yourself - love it. I also like shopping by myself, which kind of made me laugh.

    So - wow! You're adopting! How cool is that? I'm a new mom of a daughter through open adoption. It's been amazing. I love it. Some of it is hard, absolutely. But most of it is awesome. I have the most beautiful little girl and the woman we were matched with, J's birth mama, is beautiful and more than I could have ever hoped for.

    You are 100% equipped to deal with this. Honestly, it's an emotional experience, but as long as you treat everyone as you would wish to be treated, as you would wish for Finn to be treated, it's going to be fine. It's going to be amazing.

    Very very exciting!!!! Oh, I can't wait to read more about how the journey goes! :)

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  5. How's it going Leah Jane? Any movement on the adoption front?

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    1. Thank you so much for checking in on me! We have been moving forward with the process - we went to our agency's weekend workshop, started working on our birthparent letter and website, checking off paperwork as we complete it, and our home study home visit is scheduled for the end of the month. It feels like its all happening fast and slow at the same time! It's a bit overwhelming - as I'm sure you already know. Hope all is well with your family. And thank you again!

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