Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Facebook posts in my head

When something funny or awkward or shitty happens, I sometimes compose a Facebook post about it in my head. "Just got finished with vagina-therapy with a hilarious and very unattractive woman named Zelda." (when I was doing physical therapy FOR MY VAGINA) "Couldn't leave the house this morning because I was afraid I would poop my pants." (when my IBS symptoms were particularly bad) "Husband broke the toilet last night - its a bad flu." (I think this one needs no explanation)

Today's Facebook post in my head is "Just backed into a pole and crushed my tail light.  Fuck.  Oh and the inside of my uterus is stuck together and we're going to lose our house."

The thing is, I haven't been feeling very upset about my uterus or the house.  But the broken tail light seems to have put me over the edge.  I feel a little dumb for backing into a pole.  But mostly I feel crazy because, after I parked, I got out and checked the back of my car and was amazed to see that there was no damage.  I even checked AGAIN when I got back in my car after my haircut because I couldn't believe that there was no damage.  Then tonight my husband come in the bathroom while I'm giving Finn a bath and asks me if I backed into something.  And I say "Uhhhh yeah."  And what I'm thinking is "The only way he could know that is because he saw that something is wrong with my car.  How the fuck did I miss that?!"  So I go check it out and see that my tail light is mashed.  Not sure how I could have missed that TWICE.  Gah.

Now on to my uterus:  I had a saline sonogram two weeks ago. Its part of the required pre-testing at our fertility clinic. I've had one before. So I went in not feeling stressed AT ALL. I knew what to expect from the procedure and I was almost certain that the test would show my uterus is fine (its my old ass eggs that are the problem). I was just feeling irritated that I had to spend $800 to find out that everything was fine. Well, shit.  Turns out everything is not fine.

It started off quite well actually. She told me my cervical mucus looked great, I had an egg getting ready to ovulate on the right side, and the lining was "three stripes" which apparently is good for implantation. After she tells me all this good news, I actually started thinking that I would probably get pregnant this month the old-fashioned way (yeah, um no). Then she puts the saline in and starts taking a bunch of ultrasound pictures. She puts more saline in and takes a bunch more. After she's done, she says I can sit up and asks me if I had been paying attention. Which I guess is what you ask someone when you are about to tell them bad news? Was I supposed to stop her and say, you don't need to explain. I was watching carefully and I know EXACTLY what's going on.  Anyway, she tells me that it appears that I have significant adhesions inside my uterus. I'm like, INSIDE? I didn't even know you could get them inside. Several doctors have told me they are almost certain that I have significant adhesions outside of my uterus - my OB thinks my uterus is stuck to my bladder. And I have had pain and IBS issues since the C-section. So, regardless of how confident I felt prior to the test, I guess I am not really THAT surprised.

So now what? I need to have a hysteroscopy.  I went in to see my OB/GYN last week to consult her about it. I want her to do it so that its covered by insurance.  Its scheduled for next Friday.  Best case scenario:  She goes in, cuts the adhesions, bing bang boom, we pursue treatment in a month or two.  Worst case scenario:  I'm paraphrasing here, but I think its possible that the doctor who did my c-section sewed my uterus together.  I forget exactly how my doctor worded it.  She said the ultrasound image was strange.  She said that usually the adhesions look thin and wispy but that, in my case, there appears the be a thick band across the middle.  Awesome.  She said that she doesn't know what happened during the c-section because she wasn't there.  She just needs to "get in there and see what she can see."

I have joked many times over the last two years of recovery and pain and IBS that I got the "Christmas Night C-section."  And I have worked very hard at figuring out on my own how to feel better and accept that I didn't heal easily and deal with the fact that I still have about a week a month of pain and IBS troubles and just be grateful that I have Finn and that he is healthy.  But if that fucking doctor sewed my uterus together, I'm going to be pissed.

Inhale.  Exhale.

And I'm pretty nervous about the surgery.  I mean, I guess its not really that big of a deal.  Its outpatient.    They don't have to cut into me - they use existing holes....But my poor little tipped (and now scarred) uterus has been through so much!  A D&E, a D&C, a c-section.  I mean, enough already.  The idea of cutting in there gives me the willies.  It just makes me feel uncomfortable.  Surgery is what CAUSED these problems and now I'm having more surgery.

But what really scares me is the worst case scenario.  What if things are REALLY fucked up in there?  What if she tells me that I can't get pregnant.  Not, you PROBABLY won't get pregnant.  Or its UNLIKELY you will get pregnant.  But you CANNOT get pregnant.

I know that worrying about it now does me no good.  We'll know more in a week in a half.  And thank God I have a wonderful two year old distraction to make the time fly (and I am SO grateful for that amazing little distraction).  But here is where I vent and worry and get stuff off my chest.  So I did. Now I have a Grey's Anatomy calling my name....

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