2012 Recap

Okay so this is the recap I did last year that I stole from another blog.  I realize its almost the end of January.....but it's taken me five tries over the course of the past month to get this post written.  I'm just glad I finished it!

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

Ate raw lamb - at Morimoto's in Napa.  It was fekkin DELICIOUS.

Had a girl's weekend away - with some of my absolute BEST friends.  Best weekend I've had in years, if not ever.

Went to preschool - well it's one day a week, I go with him program.  But he gets to play with other kids and I get to hang out with some cool moms.
*After reading this back, I decided that I am STILL a boring person and I need to do more exciting new things in 2013.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


Here's my resolutions from last year:

1. Blog/journal more.  Ummmm, no.  And its on my list AGAIN for this year.  You've heard of "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?" Well, one of these years I am actually going to write more.  Or I'll stop making it my resolution.

2. Spend more quality time with my husband. Ummmm, no.  Its on my list again this year too.  But I ask you, what parents of young children get to spend LOTS of quality time together?  Please don't say most or I will feel worse about myself.  I feel like this is a stage of life we just have to get through.  We also have to be better at making time for US, but I think that will get easier as Finn gets older.

3. Come to a decision about adopting a baby. Ummm, no.

4. Live in the moment. Be present.  Yes!!!!  I was MUCH better at this.

So basically I sucked at my new year's resolutions.  Good job Leah.  Will I make new one's for 2013?  I don't think so.  Instead, I think I will make a list of small, specific things I'd like to do or accomplish this year.  I love making lists and I love crossing things off my list.  So if I make a (short) list of things I'd like to accomplish this year, it seems more likely that I will actually DO them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes.  Max and Betsy.  

Max was my cat of almost 20 years.  I got him when I was a sophomore in college.  He was my right hand man for a very long time.  After he was gone, I sat and thought about that great little kitty and how long he was in my life.  He was with me in college.  He was with me when I moved to Monterey and got married for the first time.  He was with me when I got divorced and was back on my own again.  He was with me when I moved in with G$, when we got married, when we lost the baby, when we had Finn.  He was a good ol' kitty.  And crazy as can be (quirky from the start, but legitimately crazy at the end).  I will think of him every time I open a can of tuna, still partly expecting him to come running from wherever he was in the world, to meow and rub against my legs waiting for me to let him lick the can.

Betsy was my best friend's mom.  She was one of my "other moms." I have 3 other moms.  The moms of my oldest and closest friends.  Ladies who watched me grow up - who HELPED me grow up.  Cooked me dinner, took me on vacation, were present at all the major milestones - birthdays, proms, graduations, weddings, baby showers.  She was a huge part of my life.  And one great lady.  I sort of still can't believe that she's gone.  And the pain my friend is going through?  Brutal.  I just can't imagine losing my mom.  I'm not ready for that.  Two other close friends lost their moms last year too.  I guess it's just the stage of life we are in.  Our parents are getting OLD.  Wow.
 
5. What countries did you visit?

None!!!  We didn't travel much at all actually.  We went camping twice.  And I think that's it.  Yikes.  But we recently booked a trip to Hawaii.  I haven't been since college and G$'s never been.  I cannot wait!  The thought of warm weather, beautiful beaches, fresh fish, pina coladas (okay, I don't like pina coladas, but it sounds so tropical) and time to relax sounds SO GOOD.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

A night away with my husband.  

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

October 7 - the day Betsy died.  December 19 - my hysterectomy

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


The short sale

9. What was your biggest failure?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Well, "illness or injury" isn't quite accurate.  But I have continued to deal with chronic pain since my c-section. Long story short, I had severe scarring - inside my uterus and out.  My hysterectomy was the first time a doctor has actually been in there and able to see what was really going on.  Turns out my uterus was stuck to my bladder and my abdominal wall.  Like seriously stuck.  Which caused all sorts of problems.  So they took out my uterus and cut down the adhesions.  And hopefully I will live pain-freely ever after.  The jury is still out by the way.  Its been almost 6 weeks since my surgery.  Can't tell yet if I'm cured....

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I signed up for a organic produce box delivery and I love it.  The stuff tastes GREAT and it forces me to try new things.  Santa brought Finn a trampoline and that will help me survive the winter.  I bought some really cool boots.  Which I haven't even worn yet....
 
12. Where did most of your money go?
For two years in a row.....the mortgage.  But this year its the mortgage/rent since we are no longer home owners.  We also spent quite a bit on medical bills.

13. What did you get really excited about?
The short sale.  The girls weekend for my friend's 40th birthday.  My hysterectomy.  

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

God, the first thing that comes to mind is Gangnam Style.  Finn friggin LOVES that song.  He'll say, "Put Hey Sexy Lady on!"  And he'll dance and dance and run around the house.  Home by Phillip Phillips is another.  I mean, it's totally overplayed and really bother me that the guy's last name is the plural of his first name, but I just love that song.  It reminds of the Olympics (I love the Olympics!!!) and it reminds me of Greg.  Even if we have just gotten into an argument or he's driving me crazy in some way, if that song comes on, I think of him and smile and remember how much i love him.  He is my home.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Hmmm, probably about the same.
– thinner or fatter?  the same, but with more muscles.  And I hate to be vain, but I love it!  I've never really had defined muscles and now my arms are pretty awesome.  Well, not right NOW, I haven't been able to do Zumba for two months, but they WERE looking good and they will again. 
– richer or poorer? We have about the the same amount of money in our bank accounts but I'll say we're richer because we no longer own a house that is worth $200,000 less than the mortgage.  Having that weight off our shoulders feels good.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

More writing, more dates with G$, read more books.  Pretty much the same list as last year.  I'm starting to get depressed.  I've got to moving on these things.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Watched less TV, worried less about crazy stuff

18. How did you spend Christmas?

Laying down and popping pills.  My surgery was on the 19th so I was still feeling pretty shitty on Christmas.  But it was still wonderful.  I love the holidays!  My brother and sister-in-law-to-be made a FABulous dinner on Christmas Eve at our house.  And now we have a big enough dining room for everyone to sit comfortably!  Finn totally understood Santa this year and we left him cookies and milk (and carrots for the reindeer of course).  And seeing his little face in the morning whne he saw that Santa left him what he asked for under the tree brought a  tear to my eye.  It was precious.  And Christmas morning at Greg's mom's house was my favorite yet.  So even though (or maybe because...) I was drugged up and laid out, it was wonderful.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Pretty much the same ones as last year - The Amazing Race, Project Runway, Grey's Anatomy, Top Chef, Modern Family.  Two new shows I love?  Parenthood and The New Normal.
20. What were your favorite books of the year?

Fifty Shades of Grey.  Just kidding, I'm the one woman in America who hasn't even read it.  And doesn't want to.  I already feel insecure enough about my sex life thank you very much.  I just finished Middlesex.  I didn't LOVE it, but I thought it was so smart and interesting.  I can't remember anything else I read.  I didn't read enough that's for sure.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

Nothing new.  Although I really loved listening to this kids Christmas CD with Finn.  We would dance after dinner every night and he would sing along and it was so adorable.  

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
I think the only movie I saw last year was "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo."  I LOVED the books.  And I thought the movie was very good.  Mara Roony (or is it Roony Mara?) is the perfect Lisbeth.  Now thatI think about it, did that movie come out in 2012 or 2011?  Oh Lord.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 39, which means this year is the big 4-0.  I had dinner with some friends at one of my favorite restaurants.  It was a warm night and we ate out on the patio.  We had a couple cocktails, ate seafood and laughed and laughed.  It was great.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being pain free.  Having another baby.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

In two words: Yoga pants.  

26. What kept you sane?

my friends

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

I'm not eloquent enough to accurately put into words the lesson I take away from 2012, but I'll try....

Life is hard.  Seriously, it just is.  And even when it's not particularly hard, it's still not EASY.  I pretty much have spent the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013 laying around, recovering from my surgery and it's given me lots of time to think.  And as the end of the year approached, I started thinking about how 2012 was a rough one.  For me and for many of my friends and family.  We lost our house, found out that we will never get pregnant again, I had 2 surgeries.....it wasn't the worst year of my life, but it had its challenges.  And the truth is, life feels like a challenge a lot of the time. And I don't think its going to get any easier.  Its possible its just going to get harder.   Am I the only one who feels this way?

But here's the lesson.  Good people, friends and family, are what make life worth living.  And I am lucky to have MANY good people in my life.  People who help me through the rough times.  People who are there to celebrate the good times.  And the good people in my life have taught me how to be a better person and a better friend.

Day 7 - Cramps suck

I have cramps.  Bad ones.  Took a 800 mg motrin and then 3 hours later took a half vicodin.  And I'm still in pain.  The weird thing is - no blood.  Sorry if that's gross.  But since no one reads this anyways, I guess its okay ; )  I feel like I am full blown on my period except for the bleeding.  Is it possible my uterus is now completely shut?  My periods have been light since having Finn.  Which, after only two years, we figured out was because the scarring in my uterus is really bad.  They have been even lighter since my hysteroscopy - which is how I knew that the surgery did not work. But now nothing?

I have fears about the hysterectomy.  I have very complicated feelings about not having a uterus.  But I really look forward to the possibility of being without this pain.

Day 5 (a day late) - 8's my lucky number

"What are your thoughts about tomorrow's election?"

The above sentence is as far as I got yesterday.  Dammit.  Well, I posted for 4 days in a row.  A new record.  But here I am before 8am the next day, making up for yesterday's missed post.  That's still pretty good.

Instead of writing about how I feel about THIS election (which to sum up is NERVOUS), I want to write about 2008.  2008 was supposed to be my year.  Why?  8 is my favorite and lucky number.  Its the number I always pick if I use "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10."  I always use 8 for the lottery.  I even like getting eights when I play poker or blackjack (which is also irrational and stupid unless you get 3 or 4 of them in poker).  So 2008 would be MY YEAR.  Great things would happen.  In other words, I would SURELY get pregnant and give birth to a real live baby.  These are the types of things crazy people who have trouble getting pregnant think.

We lost our baby in March of 2007.  2007 was the worst year of my life.  SO bad, I don't even really remember anything that happened after March.  But I do remember that on New Year's Eve night my husband and I hugged with tears in our eyes, and I was thinking "Thank God that year is over.  Let this next one be better."  And a part of me believed that it would be.  Things just had to turn around.  Right?

Yeah right.  2008 proved to be pretty tough as well.  We started trying to get pregnant again in the summer of 2007 and it didn't happen month after month.  By 2008, we were concerned and went in to see a fertility doctor.  We discovered that I had "old ass eggs" for my age and they recommended that we do fertility treatments.  We were about to start those treatments in April when I got pregnant.  And to make a long story short - I had a miscarriage.  Which turned out to be a pretty long and drawn out process and tough on me physically (I think the fact that it was also tough emotionally goes without saying).  Meanwhile everyone and their mother was getting pregnant and having babies.  2008 was turning out to NOT be my year.

I also started a new teaching job in the fall that was incredibly difficult, stressful and time-consuming.  So we decided that baby-making via fertility treatments would have to wait until 2009.  So no baby in 2008.  So much for my lucky number.

But election night 2008 was amazing.  A friend of mine had a party (I made Barack-li salad).  Greg and I wore our Obama shirts.  We brought champagne.  If I remember correctly, they called the election soon after the west coast polls closed.  And I was VERY happy about that.  We cheered and danced and popped open our champagne bottles.  It was great.  To be honest, I voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary but I fully supported Obama in the general.  After 8 looooonnnnnngggg years of President Bush I was ready for a change.  DESPERATE for a change.  And the thought of Sarah Palin being next in line to the presidency was truly terrifying.

But what I remember most is watching Obama give his acceptance speech.  We all stood there, silent, tears in our eyes.  It wasn't just that "my guy" had won.  It was so much bigger than that.  This was history happening right before my eyes.  I voted for the first black president.  And he won.  Wow.  I thought of what this meant for our country and for so many people, in ways that I could never understand.  I thought of many of my students and so many little children seeing this happen.  It was wonderful.  It may sound cliche, but I felt so hopeful.

It was the highlight of an otherwise shitty year.

Day 4 - Fall Back Sucks

I used to love fall back.  I got to sleep late.  And it got dark earlier and it felt all cozy and autumnal.  And it was lighter earlier in the morning making it easier to wake up and get to work.

Now I'm a parent.  Let me state the obvious - I did NOT get to sleep in.  And getting darker earlier means less time outside and more time inside entertaining an active, easily bored almost three year old.  And lighter earlier means up earlier and less sleep.  At least until we all get used to losing that very important hour.

Me too tired to write more.

Day 3 - We have a date....

....for my hysterectomy.  Woo hoo!

Let's do this by the numbers.  Maybe that will help me focus and be able to finish this post before Finn wakes up from his nap.

18: the date in December that I will have my uterus removed

5000: dollars, that is.  That's my medical insurance out-of-pocket max for the year which I have already reached.  If the surgery had not been scheduled in 2012, I would have had to shell out another $5000 for the hysterectomy.  But my doctor, who is fucking awesome, agreed to do the surgery on the 18th even though she originally told me that December 17th was her absolute last day of availability for the year.

2:  the number of doctors who will perform the surgery.  One is my regular OB.  She did my hysteroscopy in May.  When the topic of MORE surgery came up, I asked her about a second opinion and someone who is more of a specialist.  She referred me to a urogynecologist.  The two of them are going to do robotic laparoscopic surgery on me.

6:  the number of weeks that it will take for me to fully recover.  My doctor doesn't want me to do any heavy lifting during this time.  Gah.  Does picking up an almost three year old count?

6: this is also the number of weeks I have to train my son to sleep in a big boy bed and to get in and out of the car by himself.  I am NOT forcing the potty training thing.  I figure if it happens, it happens.  And if it doesn't, I'll change him on his new bed (that we need to buy).  We can potty train him after I heal.

137:  the number of doctors who have seen my vagina.  Okay, I made this number up.  But between infertility and all the problems I've had in the last 3 years, it feels like a conservative estimate.  I really hope that after this procedure I can go back to being more normal - one doctor, once a year gets to see my hoohaw and that's it.  Its kinda funny though.  I've become totally desensitized to it.  I'll go see a new doctor or ultrasound tech and they'll be so kind and careful and I'm ripping off my tearaway sweats and putting my legs up in the stirrups, saying "Alrighty, let's go doc."

4 or 5: the number of months pregnant I currently look.  And I am obviously NOT pregnant or I'm pretty sure they would not perform a hysterectomy on me next month.  But man am I bloated and in pain again.  This is the worst I've felt in over a year.  Maybe my body or the Universe is trying to tell me - "Do it!  Have the surgery!  You've tried so many other things that haven't worked!  Now its time to try this."  PLEASE let this hysterectomy help me feel better.

Alright, that's all I have time for.  There's more to write and more to process another day.  For example, how I feel about absolutely never being able to get pregnant again.  I already pretty much knew this, but this sure makes it FOR SURE.  And I would imagine that when I'm laying around feeling like shit, it will be really easy to feel very sad about it.  Or how I'm pretty terrified of having surgery again.  What if something bad happens?  What if it doesn't work?  What if it makes things worse?

But maybe it will help me feel better.

Day Two and I'm still Writing!

I don't have much time, but I'm determined to write so I'm going with the prompt of the day:

"If you could live anywhere, where would it be?"

I like this prompt and its actually relevant to me because we short saled our house this year and are currently living in a rental.  Not that there's anything wrong with renting, but the circumstances under which we find ourselves here are less than satisfactory.  And while I really like the house we are renting and I enjoy the neighborhood so far, this is not where we want to live forever.

So I have three answers.

#1 Where I ACTUALLY want to live (and can afford buy) when our credit recovers and we can buy again:  Benicia.  Or Martinez.  But the hubs says no to Benicia - he doesn't want to cross two bridges to get to work,which I totally understand.  So it will probably (hopefully) be Martinez.  Its a nice little town.

#2 Where I would live in my real life, if we had tons of money:  Probably still Martinez.  Just in a nicer, bigger house with land.  Or maybe Lafayette or Orinda.  If we had lots of money I would definitely want a house with a little bit of land for a huge garden and some chickens.

#3 My fantasy/dream answer: Somewhere in Europe.  Probably in France.  I'd have a house in the Provincial countryside and an apartment in Paris.  And eat good food and drink wine and see beautiful buildings and art all the time and be just a train ride away from so many amazing places.

I pray that #1 comes to pass.  If win the lottery, it'll be #2.  If I win some crazy multi-state, biggest jackpot in history lottery, I'll add on #3.

#1261

I have a lot going on.  2012 has been quite a year.  Wonderful and difficult, exciting and sad.  Of course, one would never know this by reading my blog.  Since I don't actually WRITE any posts.  I mean, I think about blogging and writing all the time.  I have things I want to remember.  I have things I need to get off my chest.  I feel I should do something to keep my poor, tired, "stay-at-home mom" brain in better shape.  But my last blog post was in August.  Gah.

I need to get in the habit of writing and processing and figuring shit out that needs to be figured out.  I need to stop watching 2 or 3 hours of TV every night after I put my son to bed.  I need to stop falling asleep watching the news (and by news, I mean Real Housewives of New Jersey). Blogging, reading, unpacking those last pesky 10 or 12 boxes, learning to knit again - these are things I should do.

Since organizing my closet and knitting seem totally unlikely, I signed up for NaBloPoMo.  I'm number 1261 on the blogroll.  I like my number - I've got a good feeling about this.  Thank God Melissa provides a list of prompts or I'd be in trouble.  Although I can't think of a good quote for the life of me, so I'm just writing about how I never write but really want to.  Fascinating stuff.  But its a start.

Hmmm, well, that's all I've got for today.  My husband is actually home early tonight so we're gonna catch up on The Amazing Race.  And I don't feel bad about watching TV after writing that I should watch less TV.